pura vida

Almost time for us to leave for our South American whirlwind. Only one week left!

Taking advantage of insanity

So by now many of us have read about the palestinian boy sent to infilitrate an israeli settlement, across the green line, who was sent in the hopes of his relatives that he would be shot and spared a life of mental illness. Mental illness indeed remains a stigma in the palestinian territories and israel alike, despite the number of riotously insane people, many of whom consider themselves to be active members of the knesset and PLO negotiating teams.....but I digress. As distressing as this story is, there remains a few things to be cheered by.
1. The boy wasn't shot
2. The IDF were responsible enough to recognize that the boy was acting not of his own will
3. Not a shot was fired
4. The family was caught
5. The boy will now likely get proper care by mental health authorities
6. The IDF is clearly acting with a renewed sense of responsibility and cautiousness which belies many palestinians dogged belief in the solely reactive nature of the military.

Encouraging not depressing.

Disaster Experts: For better of worse

We had a wild and completely untamed storm that hit tel aviv the other day. It was hurricane like in scope and damaged most of the boardwalk from the south end ( Jaffa- where we live) to the north end ( leading into herziliya). I was out running the first and second days of the storm and saw bricks in the deck of the old city in Jaffa, being thrown up in the air. I watched as trees fell in front of me and braches flew beside me. I hopped over piles of cigarettes that made their way up onto the roads and somehow found eachother like brothers in kind. Mountains of refuse lay everywhere. It was as if the sea got fed up and threw up all the garbage that was laying ill in it's bowels.

After two days the storm stilled it's voluptous winds and the rain came to a peter. Rays of sunshine peaked out and a rainbow dared to make an appearance. Within 24 hours, Isreal sprung into action and managed to almost completely rehabilitate our damaged waterfront and the beautiful port in old jaffa. It was pretty incredible to see how poor we are at prevention and how skilled we are at disaster response after the fact. Ironic and comical almost.

Break on through ( to the other side)...

Music has always drawn me in. It pulls me tight like an octupus latches onto prey with it's tentacles of force. But instead of sucking me dry it infuses me and keeps my mind and soul moist. When I was overseas with my boyfriend (A), we spent some time visiting at my parents place in Toronto. We try to get home to my parents and brothers for as many of the jewish holidays as possible. Anyway, I have a gorgeous baby grand piano there that I hadn't touched in a good ten years. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and if I can't practice like an obsessive fiend than I tend to avoid playing with technical imperfection. I've started to play again. Just a little bit. Just enough to let the sound saturate me and let my fingers remember the patterns that they would skip through pauseless in their adherance to the sheet music. The rust slows me and my hands tire much quicker than they used to, but the piano remembered me well.

A is a professional musician. He's the consummate professional and takes his craft seriously with constant practice and consideration of all matters musical. I'm not a musician by trade but I'm constantly inspired by his playing and songwriting and expression through art. The sound of his voice is soothing for a rock/pop artist and he has a beautiful falsetto that he uses to great effect like Chris Martin from coldplay.

In Toronto, he took to my piano and began composing lyrics and improvising melody immediately. What's interesting to me is that most of rock and pop music on the piano is based on standard chords and simple patterns that change up a bit with variations in mood and key. My training is only in classical piano and I used to play a bit of jazz style that I had taught myself. Classical piano music is technical and a bit demanding and I think it was easier for me to stop playing than to do injustice to my favourite classical pieces. But, rock and pop pieces feel like fun days in the musical playground. Not intimidating for an unpracticed player at all.

Speaking of fun days in the musical playground... This past summer, during a camping trip, while some close friends of ours were making shakshuka on the beach, A composed a really funny and cute piece that translates as "allah makes shakshuka". It's become a cult favourite at shows in between his real set list. On wednesday during a little show A is having, we're making shakshuka to spice up the night a little bit. It's the funniest concept to build a fan base but we live in Israel and people here love food, so it makes sense to cook our way to success. hahaha...

architects in dispute resolution?

This weekend I'm presenting at what I assume will be a small conference in Boston and the abstract/paper I wrote that was selected is on the use of health diplomacy as an alternative tool in mediating and managing global conflict. One of the professors attending the conference is a Professor of law (Harvard Phd) and he's organized an ongoing project involving architects from Israel, the palestinian territories, and the U.S. The idea is for them to devise creative, architectural ways to portion jerusalem for dual use purposes. The project is based out of UMass.

I took note of it because I'm so heavily involved in the peace through health movement and like to compare the current state of apolitical activity in dispute resolution by other non-traditional career disciplines. I'm not really for a division of Jerusalem, although I am entirely for land exchange or proportioning land to the palestinians from the westbank and protecting pre-existing palestinian land rights. Regardless, it's important to entertain ideas and feed dialogue even if it's akin to a disneyland trip for architects.

jackrabbit

Speed and precision. In life we need agility, speed, and precision. Rarely in medicine do we have the luxury of hours to pour over diagnostic algorithms and differentials. Rarely in life can we spend weeks and months deciding what to do next. Timing can mean everything.

confusion and comprehension squared

Everything changes so quickly that it's hard to even try for predictability. I never would have imagined that I would be where I am now figuratively. I never would have imagined myself so happy with such basic premise. I have my ups and my downs like anyone and I don't flaunt my mood around but instead try to invest myself in life so that I create more reason for life to flower.

I read the news like a ravenous greyhound, sourcing high and low brow forms of my nutritious info-porn. But as dark as the daily news can get, I have a retreat box that I go to emotionally that allows me to target what I personally can change and get over what I can't.

Sometimes I wonder if my 12 year old self would recognize my 30+ year old self because I'm much less tough and far more vulnerable than I was at that age, but at the same time I can feel clarity in vibrant colours much more than I could back then. I was always the kid that tried to do it on her own. I felt that I had no help from anyone and it was tough. Now my life is so intertwined with my loved ones that it makes me wonder if I misread all those childhood years and toiled so hard unnecessarily. perception can be damning.

Right now I just want focused effort from my practical output and effortless focus from my personal insight. I keep throwing up constant checks and balances at myself to make sure I'm on track and that I'm not totally getting swept away by my passion and emotion. In the past my love led me to circumvent my rational voice. As mortals we do that when nose to nose with pure undiluted love. My emotion ate me alive until I found my balance again and yet somehow I came back to life with better perspective and a larger capacity to love and learn. I think that was my reward for suffering so much. I actually matured and grew better prepared for what was later to come and the feelings that run so deep I'm not so quick to suppress.

anyway, welcome to confusion and comprehension squared. my random ramblings for the night.

never ending connections

It's such a small world and I'm constantly surprised by how much fewer a value than 6 degrees separates me and the people in my past, present, and future. I guess that's a good reason to live your life as best as you can, while treating people as well as possible. Everything and everyone is somehow interconnected. Besides the obvious impetus of treating people well for the sake of human dignity, in this tangential map of social networking, rumours and truths can spread like wildfire.

uncharted territory

I've never been in a place like this before. loved and empowered and feeling like together we could conquer the world. making a difference has never been so easy. I'm so proud of him for who he is and he's proud of me and he accepts me with all my faults and embarrassing gaffes. we're traversing mountains literally and figuratively. nights in the sinai utterly exposed led to the most meaningful birthday of my life. We're building together and it makes the hard and sharp parts of life less incisive

a bissle of this....

so, life has been frenetic, challenging, and intensely beautiful all at once. I'm finishing off the second graduate degree that I was working on this year at the same time as handling my clinical work, my managerial responsibilities in the medical division of an american outsourcing company, my health diplomacy commitments, my training, my love life and my social life. Everything is intertwined. Very soon, I'll be heading overseas again to put into place details with my ngo and the clinton foundation for the clinic I'm heading up in Haiti. My volunteer committment with my NGO is going to somewhat turn into a paid job. I'll continue doing a lot of my health diplomacy work on a volunteer basis, but the Haiti project will be a paid contract.

My boyfriend and I went to visit some friends of ours last night in a little arab village about an hour's drive from tel aviv. These are close friends of ours and happen to be genuine, intelligent,accomplished, beautiful human beings. But, one thing that struck me, considering that I'm an immigrant to israel, is that the residents of the village spoke arabic and hebrew. It piqued my interest because the residents spoke hebrew as a tool of assimilation into israeli society, but didn't speak english even though it's an international currency.

Our friends cousin's and siblings had hopes to either study or work in the united states at some point but yet they lacked the ability to converse let alone benefit from a functional life in the language. I can identify with this somewhat as I came to Israel without the ability to do my job or bank or order a salad in hebrew. It's possible to live in Israel without speaking any hebrew and to even be fairly successful, but you can't really benefit from all israel and the israeli culture have to offer without fully knowing the language. I guess, like me, they would pick up the language along the way. But there are also the hazy issues intertwined with identity that struck me in that village. Would it be confusing or empowering to live in a language other than that which your family, village, and/or ethnicity chooses as primary?

Next week, I'm heading to the sinai for a couple days with A, some friends, and my sweet and funny brother with his girl. It'll be my first time in the sinai and I can hardly wait to scuba dive, relax with those close to me, and be immersed in the desert heat. On my birthday, I like to do things that renew me and give me strength. I usually find this outdoors in the wilderness, by the dead sea, or on a quiet beach. Sinai will be ideal.

mishu mashu

Good luck to those who need luck.

battle cry and battering rams

I just can't believe it. I just can't believe how scuzzy some people in Israel can be. I'm not to be misinterpreted please as I don't mean just Israel...but at this moment I have my spears sharpened towards one particular israeli company.

here we go now

I'm so stressed I can hardly convince my body to cease production of the voluminous litres of acid that are set to light fire to my esophagus through day and night. So, what is the illogical but entirely female approach to take? Buy frequent and vast quantities of yogurt and frozen yogurt to soothe. It doesn't soothe emotionally as I'm feeling so overwhelmed and sick to my stomach.

So much going on. My dad had a cardiac episode on the plane from Toronto to a much needed vacation in Vegas. They were going to divert the plane to a landing but my father refused to inconvenience the other passengers.

My medical writing/editing place of work is giving me grief about my salary, by simply not paying it. All my medical staff have been put into a temporary hold pattern, including myself, since the due to an inept business development (medical) manager, all contacts fell through. I'm told that should my salary be paid then the business development manager, a right wing religo who lives across the green line, will not receive his full bonus. I'm supposed to feel badly that he's not receiving enough of a bonus when he completely failed at his job? when my staff and myself aren't getting our basic salary to pay our bills? .....and this without any prior notice.

I'm up to my ears in work for this unethical company at the same time as I maintain clinical responsibilities, set up my project in Haiti, and I'm in the final month of the graduate program that I've been working on this year. It's an intense workload and I'm slipping into frustration. Especially since I'm completely being taken advantage of. I do enough volunteer work without having my paid work be volunteer work.

Discombobulated and ineffectual arses. How can they treat people like that?

Thank whatever power that may be for bringing me into such a warm, respectful, passionate, loving and supportive relationship that I can at least look to as a sweet recovery pod, when I need a small break from the storm of this israeli cut throat company.

Brothers in arms

My younger brother is in Israel. I've been trying to get him here for at least 5 years. The timing was ripe for his visit. I couldn't be more thrilled, but my excitement was tempered with my horrification at the Flotillagate episode. Surely, we could have utilized better intelligence to hamper the progress of the vessels without having violence erupt, our soldiers injured, and protesters killed. No one in this case comes out a winner.

I'd write more as my emotions and words are boiling over but I'm up to my ears in workload.

Till it dissipates in a few days....

miles and miles of heaven

This past weekend, we packed up and went to our favourite camping spot along a beachy area not too far from Haifa. Friends of ours had already set up before we were able to get there, as I needed to work late, but the warm welcome when we stepped onto the sand with mint tea and bonfire already waiting for us, made a weeks worth of daily stress slip away quicker than a wink.

Together we handily managed to get my tent up in record time, chik chok, and we went about padding the inside with our expertly positioned sleeping bag and blankets. Between chatter in hebrew, english, and arabic, we whiled away the weekend hours making up rhythms and melodies, swimming out to reefs and declaring them conquered, examining moss crabs, running through sand dunes and abandoned paths, playing matkot, killing the game of soccer, and generally combining efforts to make the best bbq's in existance with lots of fresh vegetables from the arab village nearby.

Adorable made up songs in an instant and did one honouring the amazing shakshuka that our good friend Allaa made. I got it all on iphone video. Give it a month, the song's going to be the next national hit. hahaha. I'm ralling for it to be included on his new israeli ep.

Besides the fact that the weekend was incredible. I think I truly witnessed the power of music to bridge any divide.

culture gap

I'm doing another graduate degree while I continue to work two jobs, and despite the difficulty in meeting assignment deadlines and finding the time to complete my course readings, I'm loving every minute of the program.

But something struck me today.

My class consists of professionals from many differant fields. We have lawyers, UN workers, NGO directors, Diplomants, and etc as members of the small class. Out of 32 students, at least 20 are non-jewish and have come to study in Israel specifically because of the strength of the program.

The class diversity means that we tend to have exceptionally interesting discussions. But what hit me wasn't so much a discussion as a few emails from a close friend and classmate from Japan.

This morning she posted a facebook notice that she's heading to Gaza for a picnic. Someone posted a comment that she should say hello to Gilad and maybe even use some of that sweet doll like charm to persuade Hama's henchmen to release him. I thought it was a peculiar choice of locale for a picnic.

After a morning of facebook exchanges, I noticed that she sent our class an email telling us that she had developed an interest in the french perspective on the holocaust. She suggested some books written in the french language and noted how she preferred a pro zionist take on the holocaust experience. I thought it was unusual that she would out of the blue feel the need to discuss the holocaust interest right after expressing her interest in going to gaza, as if she assumed a need to appease our jewish and arab classmates at the same time. It felt like a small person was stretching over too far a chasm that was only imaginary.

Is this what we've (Israel) created? A situation where our global friends and family constantly assume it's necessary to balance an israeli action with an arab action. Why can't we just frame things on their own? Realistically, Israel has so little to do with resolution in conflict ridden regions that constantly tying actions together is leading everyone in the wrong direction.

a word from the SATC scripts

Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

coincidence

If you're a free thinker, who can consciously deconstruct mental boundaries and are open to liberal interpretation of experiences, then you can probably support theories of synchronicity and coincidence. Often times my life seems like a series of coincidences, joined length to length with some larger purpose and intent overarching that I'm supposed to divine. I take my imaginary divining rod with me everywhere I travel, not to find water, but to find the fluid of comprehension that underlies who we are individually.

Sometimes I ask for answers and get them in the form of an immediate and telling experience. I feel like I'm asking a council of elders and this is how I get feedback from them.

I've ended up in relationships purely by chance and coincidence. I've fallen in love purely by chance and coincidence. I believe that I was supposed to have the experience that I did in my last relationship. I think despite the fact that all my previous relationships were serious and longterm, I never really felt love as deep as I did in my last relationship. He may have even been my first real love. I still love him but the nature of my love has changed. Reality is harsh and when he out of the blue decided that he loved me and wanted me in his life again, I had already used all my strength to move on and I couldn't risk going backwards. It took me a long time but I did move ahead with my life. I tried to be friends and would always help him if need be, and I did, over and over again without a single thank you.

By coincidence and chance I fell in love again when I thought I never would.

I've never been luckier than the day I met Adorable. With him I feel such unfettered love and intimacy because it flows freely. I don't feel like I have to hold anything back. We're fully involved in each other's lives and he's wholeheartedly embraced whatever we're building together. I can't predict the future but I feel lucky for the now. I hope I can give him the flowers and forests that he gives me.

chipped

Our Vet found a chip embedded in our dog which means she has a home already. It turns out her name is Mica and she lives not too far from us. I'm soooo sad, but I'm sure her family will be overjoyed to have her back.

Adopted by choice

The other day after Tel Aviv's first TEDx conference, we attended a pretty happening after- party to hear Asaf Avidan and the Mojo's play a short set. Afterwards, feeling a bit hungry, we went with a few of my friends to the Container, which is an outdoor restaurant/bar situated in the old port of Jaffa. During our dinner we noticed a small dog going from table to table looking for crumbs of affection and prehaps a few hugs and scratches behind the ear. We didn't think much of it, but then after walking my friends out to catch a cab we turned to head up the steps to the artist colony and noticed that the little dog had followed us. Before we could pause, the dog scooted up the steps of old jaffa and at the top sat and waited for us. As we got closer to the top, she took a right turn and scooted up another set of steps leading directly to our door.

Looking at each other we burst into uncontrollable laughter. The dog had decided to plant herself in front of our apartment (where we spend most weekends). We noticed that her paw was injured and despite her inability to walk properly she had still made her way up all the stairs and chosen our apartment. So we opened the door and let her in, giving her some water, people food, and a soft cushion to sit on. She was tick free. Immediately she relaxed and fell asleep.

It seems that she hasn't had a home for a while, but she doesn't seem to have been abused, was clean and very affectionate. I think she decided she needed parents and figured we could give her a good home so she adopted us.

Tommorow we're going to take her to the vet to see if she has an implanted indentity chip and to take care of that paw injury. In the meanwhile, we've named her and made her part of our life.
Yesterday, while I was working, my boyfriend tossed her in my car with a blanket protecting the seats and took her to all of his meetings. She hasn't been alone for a second and is madly in love with him already.

Sticky Pot

It's more than a bit sad and unfortunate when someone can be so paranoid and neurotic that they aren't even able to allow themselves to accept outpourings of kindness for what it is and not make assumptions on the nature of it.

I feel sad for those who are in this situation, however I don't care very much for anyone who chooses to attribute intentions or thoughts to me that I never asserted nor do I possess.

Kissanddagger loves to jump to conclusions about my thoughts even though he couldn't ever be bothered to actually find out what I thought or think for that matter. He assumes motives to my actions and twists them so that a simple act of wellwishing is construed as an attempt to hurt by my existance. Kissanddagger can't simply understand that someone might not want to be with someone who constantly belittles them and so the only way he can deal with the situation is to create some type of hatred.

It's a sticky situation to be in and a difficult way to live a life.

attack of the kissanddagger

I've done all that I can. I wanted calm and instead I got held down, duct taped, and pistol whipped. I could never say no if there was something positive I could do and usually despite the lack of a thank you, I would get about two days of peace then the onslaught would begin again. In a million years, I would never say a bad word against someone. In fact my friends often try to push me to say things to show that I realize that certain ways of being treated aren't right. I still wouldn't give in because I think I can somehow rationalize away the bad treatment by focusing on what's good, but in some cases I suffer because of it. In the case of kissanddagger I suffered greatly. I was used. This I can accept, but I can't accept the constant emotional intrusion.

bipolar? schizophrenia? or just a personality disorder?

People around me have commented before about their thoughts on someone who has been completely awful to me, despite my absolute decision to not take it personally and to continue to offer everything that I can as a human being. It's hard not to take things to heart when someone is determined to put you down at every occasion with graphic verbal slices. But realistically, certain behaviour when repeated over and over in a pattern can allow us to rationalize away the hurt by deciding that the behaviour and comments themselves are major symptoms of a far reaching underlying pathology.

I'm so lucky that by chance I met someone who has come to truly love me and who allows me to love him. It's probably the first time I've been able to really open myself to someone and fully trust and be together in a true partnership where I'm not afraid to get torn apart and I have the support to jump up and excel with consistent work.

This warm space of trust and intimacy has been my refuge and prevented me from falling when under attack by Mr. kissanddagger. I pray for the strength to continue building this foundation for something beautiful and for the ability to be as true with each other as humanly possible so that the foundation can never be destroyed by any kissanddagger.

At the same time it astonishes me that kissanddagger can ask me for the world in one breath, have me do everything possible to give it to him, and then in the next breath try to slay me for wanting a little bit of distance.

tinted kaleidescopes

I always find it perplexing how each person in the world can look at something, be it a situation or an inanimate object or a colour or a piece of sushi, and perceive it in such contrasting ways. It's probably natural that this divergence in perspective exists across the board for humanity because this allows us to rethink our own perspective and test our five sense and challenge our perception. If a majority agrees that for all intents and purposes that the colour green is the same as the grass then those that think that grass is in fact lavender are thought of as a bit bizarre. But who wants to be thought of as bizarre? and is it even our prerogative to call someone out on their messed up argumentative bizarreness? Forget that. If someone wants to create their own world then I'm not going to be the one to bring them into my own reality.

It doesn't bother me and I actually love that humanity germinates differences, what bothers me is when someone refuses to see that it's possible for differences to exist and that their own reality is not the be all and end all for the world in it's entirety. It amazes me even more when someone can make up an entire situation in their head and create an entire mission battlefield argument in their head and then continue to blow it up on their own with little outside contribution.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a memorial ceremony, one of many in Israel tonight for Israel's fallen. What made this one different was that it was to memorialize losses on both sides of the conflict in this region. I've wanted to go to this one for years and for various reasons haven't gone. I RSVP'd and many of my friends were set to go. At the last minute I canceled under pressure from someone in my life who at every point I've dropped everything to help, even while a million miles away, despite being treated cruelly and constantly belittled by this person who doesn't ever bother to say thank you. This person has created such a situation in their mind that while I'm impressed that the person is so in touch with self emotion, I'm nauseated by this same persons inability to understand anyone elses emotion or reluctance to be close.

There's so much that I need to vent about here and it's a shame that I can't at this moment. Hopefully some of my emotion will percolate into something readable and inoffensive soon.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

Actually, it's not the u.s.s.r. despite the high number of pre-dissolution soviet union immigrants. I'm back in Israel. But my moody frame of reference is Beatles,(or" The Beatles...luv" as Lennon would say) after reading an old rollings stones article about the bands breakup.

This morning I saw a play in Jaffa at the Geshem theatre written by Pinter, called "The Birthday Party". The hebrew script was pretty simple so I didn't have any problem following. But, I found it depressing and irksome. It was about a pianist who wakes up in a boarding house and nothing makes any sense to him and it seems like he's entered a Kafkaesque world where he keeps blinking to wake up and remains glued to the incomprehensible. He's forced to celebrate a strange birthday, when he denies it's his birthday and then two strange men show up to collect him for abandoning the fold which the audience is never privy to information about. The relationships Pinter created seem to me to be awkward and the dark violent undercurrent would have caused me to lose interest if I hadn't needed to pay such close attention to the words so I could translate back to english in my mind.

In the car on the way back home, my boyfriends father, an actor who's renowned in Israel, tried to engage me in conversation about it as it's one of his favourite plays. He's a huge Kafka fan as I am, but I couldn't really connect to where the playwright Pinter took this.

the pressure monster

There's so much pressure to perform to expectation sometimes and it can be stifling as I fear failure and even imperfection acutely. I want to give everyone my best and it can be exhausting. This week my father had a serious cardiac procedure done and I was with him the full duration, but I wasn't able to let work drop while I was by his side as all of our staff, all the doctors working on my team are on passover holiday. Regardless of the holiday, expectations are that our productivity will not drop and so I trudge on working evening and night hours to make up for the days spent with my family. I can't very well complain as I do want to finish this project and ultimately leave the client with a sense of satisfaction.

double vision

In Canada, unlike in Israel, we do two nights of seders.It's a bit much as the preparation for each night is intense and involves days of cooking and obsessing over the minute details so that each of our family members will leave our home with content bellies and full hearts. This year my mother and I prepared without an oven as the oven decided to throw a temper tantrum in the midst of a whirlwind cooking session prior to our passover prep. So rallying all our creative energies, my mom and I decended on our kitchen appliances with full force using crockpots, the barbeque, six stovetop burners going full tilt for days and an underoven heating cabinet. Every cooled crevice in our house was packed with delectable dishes, just waiting for the eve of passover.

We made osso bucco and leg of lamb and roast chicken and a giant turkey and sweet and sour meatballs (ground chicken), and fish ( just for me because I'm a pescitarian). There were a million side dishes of salads and vegetables and ratatouille and gefilte fish ( which I made with my grandfather as tradition dictates for us). My desserts were a hit as they were all gobbled up with the fresh fruit. I love cooking for passover from home as my family, immediate and extended, love to eat and it's such a pleasure watching family enjoy what i've made and I loved having everyone together.

Ultimately, in jewish tradition, celebrations with mad hatter style tables piled high bring families together. It's a little quirk of our culture that food draws the uncles and cousins together and there's a tricky little bit of pride in all the excess. We had so much that I felt terribly guilty and very aware of so many who have nothing. Today, my youngest brother and I will be going to deliver a couples bags of fresh food from the seders to one of the downtown shelters for native people in Toronto. It doesn't do much to alleviate the guilt of having but it's something.

argumentative bastards

I never quite understood the passover saga. It's clear to me that my people struggled for freedom and that's a common theme throughout the rise of civilization, but did we really have to go through the forty years of wandering in the desert before mistaking canaan for canada? I guess our idol worshipping, conflict ridden masses really needed to be desperate for water and manna before we could stop fighting amongst ourselves and actually recognize the land of milk and honey when we saw it.

Thinking about the relationship between the pharoah and moses though , I've always been struck by how easy it would have been for moses to bide his time until the pharoah's death, when as the favourite son he would have been appointed pharoah and king of the known world. Once pharoah he could have released the hebrew slaves and us hebrews could have taken over Egypt ourselves. It would have been a lot faster, sparing everyone the series of plagues and Egypt would have flourished. Who knows, maybe our brethren would have come up ancient egyptian hydroponics and made the desert bloom a little earlier.

But no, Moses was hankering for a good fight. He couldn't sit back while his people were whipped making bricks in mudpits mixed with straw. But why not diplomacy? Act as an internal "deliverer" quietly discombobulating the corrupt construction leaders until his time came to be pharoah, which wasn't far off. I don't think us hebrews have historically been very skilled at international diplomacy because it often involves subverting our tongues in favour of patience and progression.

Seriously though. We could have owned Egypt....

sum of course

I don't believe in jealousy as a concept, nor do I support it in practice. Especially, when it's spawned by the natural cycles of life. We live in ebbs and flows. Our experiences carry us just like waves carry frothy foam which rises and retreats from shore. One moment my life may be sweller than fresh guava juice and the next it may taste of briney sea salt. For me, it feels like the kicker is sticking in for the long haul because as long as good ethics are in place and I'm living according to the value set that I believe in, I'll make it through to the next plateau and maybe even scale a peak or two.

Life, to me, doesn't ever seem to be an easy binary division of good vs. bad. My career is on track and many opportunities have arisen to be somewhat of a changemaker in my field. Leading can be an experience filled with fear and anxiety and this I've experienced a hundred fold as I can't stand the thought of making mistakes. But, my approach has been to force myself to bypass hesitation and dive in giving weight to the trust that I should have in myself.

I'm in a tropical plateau with lush greenery around me in my mind, but nothing is perfect and everyone deals with difficulty of some sort.

This upcoming week, in the middle of passover, on a date for spring's fools, my father will be going for another medical procedure to follow up on the state of his severly blocked coronary arteries. I've arranged to be with my family during this time and the anxiety in my family home is palpable, but nothing nearly like what it would be if our family was broken or apart. In this role that I slip into of eldest daughter, I have to seal my lips and bury my personal fear so that I can summon the strength of granite to try and support my parents. We all lean on eachother, so none of us can collapse or we will fall hard and that's just not an option.

I would never wish for someone else's lot in life because there's no such thing as a perfectly smooth and easy life. I would rather take the reigns and create whatever goodness that I can with my own hands in the dark moist soil of life. We all have the ability in us to hold on until we
can regain our footing and propel forward again into the flow of life's nectar.

mefloquine hell

So I could only get mefloquine in tel aviv to use as malarial prophylactic and it has major side effects. The other day I took my second dose, as it's a once a week dosage, and almost immediately I was thrown into 24 hours of violent vomiting, nausea, dizziness, headache, and fatigue. When I finally stopped throwing up, I broke out in a rash all over my face and eyes and lips. It looks like I have chicken pox.

I know I should have taken doxycycline which is a better choice but it's not covered in my health basket back in Israel, so I would have paid much more for it. Still knowing that I have such a strong reaction to most medications, I should have been more careful. Hopefully I'll feel better soon and my face will calm down. I'm glad I don't have a mirror here.

phew

I know I said I'd be posting on another blog and I did set it up but haven't written anything yet. Our experience has been far too overwhelming and I've been far too busy and removed by reliable internet access. Right now I'm working at a field hospital in the emerg tent, but tommorow morning I'm designated to the internal medicine tent which is more my background.

Earlier today we drove up to one of the orphanages around ground zero near port au prince and treated some of the kids who have had zero access to basic health care. The clinic room consisted of a 60 year old cot and a dental chair. There was sewage running freely through the pathways in the orphanage compound. I'll write more about this later but I think these orphanages are the reason why I ended up volunteering here. I'm going to start up a project in tandem with some other NGO's to bring a mobile medical team for one week per month to 40 orphanages in the area who have no medical care for their children. Without it or any health education these orphanages end up with epidemics of typhus and cholera that are easily preventable forms of suffering. I think I'm supposed to do something about it. Actually, I don't think anyone could not do anything about it.

Working in the emerg tent has been stressful for me tonight as we had some major intakes; shootings with intestines leaking from the abdominal cavity, a full cervical fracture, crushed skull, a hefty ton of malaria cases and etc... The stress was just because it's been a while since I've done emergency rotations. Generally most of these cases require some out of the box thinking to make up for lack of resources. The IDF field hospital is gone and with it all the high tech equipment.

Today most of Haiti was fasting because some Israeli woman told the Haitian president before the earthquake that there was going to be a disaster if they didn't fast and cancel the Carnival. So, when the earthquake happened, the president ordered that the whole country fast and pray to make up for not heeding the warning of the Israeli woman.

So much to say but I'm too tired to write this and I have to go back to see if there are new patients in emerg. I'll be back here writing again when I get my next burst of written energy, because at this point inspiration doesn't provide me with enough energy to type. My tent and sleeping bag are looking awfully good right now :-)

still safe and sound

I haven't disappeared but will be posting shortly to a new blog just dedicated to Haiti for a bit. I'll paste the link here so you can visit me there until I get back to the holy land. It'll start up shortly. See you soon on bloggy 2...

Obama girl?

so the famous bikini clad Obama girl, who sung about her crush on Obama and went viral on Youtube as she garnered huge support for him during the presidential campaign, has now stated that she's fallen out of love with him. Obama girl set a press conference to complain about how Obama has focused too much on reforming health care in the U.S. and she doesn't understand why and thinks it's pointless when money could have instead been diverted to strengthening the american economy...shoppers unite! Sorry, but what a dumbass. Anyone who voted for Obama because of Obamagirl deserves to be led by Crusty the clown.

leaning tower of visa

we finally got the visa for my colleague who's had a hell of a time with administrative lollygagging. More than a week late we're now book and paid to fly on thursday. see you all in bloggyville from a Caribbean IP address... It's a bit funny. When i mention to friends that I'm going to the Caribbean, most have no idea that I'll be sleeping on the ground in a sleeping bag with mosquito netting, drinking water purified with chlorine pills, and treating the ailments of 41,000 earthquake refugees within a small secured area. I hope I can really do my part there.

the daily post...

As part of the agreement for sponsoring our flights to Haiti, I'm going to be responsible for some daily reporting of the situation on the ground and our work there. It needs to be readable by my work colleagues, so I'll probably set up another blog and will post a link here so anyone who reads my meandering thoughts and periodic fits of lovelorn anxiety can follow me in professional mode on the Haiti blog. Watch this space for a brand spanking new link :-)

i gotta feeling...

so everythings in place to leave for Haiti with one exception. We're waiting to receive Visa's for our colleagues in the phillipines who are joining us at a meeting point in the U.S. before we journey together to the dominican republic and then to Haiti. I'm supposed to leave on thursday.

finding the stress balls

Years ago I picked up a gift for my brothers in China. It was two beautiful little red boxes, embossed with traditional chinese designs, containing two perfectly round silver balls each. When you placed the balls in your hands you could turn them over and over with your palm and feel a light tinkling inside. The motion if handling the balls, the feeling of smooth, cold, metal, and the light vibration from the tinkling sound was supposed to bring relaxation and stress relief. Since my brothers were wrapped in asian martial arts culture at the time, I thought it might be an apt present. It was a little superfluous for them, to some extent, because the martial arts was the larger stress relief. But they did actually enjoy playing with them for a long while after I brought them as a gift.

I'm stressing today as the rain comes down and there's much on my mind.

Later tonight, I'm headed to a "Call for Action" roundtable on improving health for Arab women in Israel which will take place in Jaffa. I spread the word to many of my friends who will be attending sessions as well. I hope they have a good turn out for the larger conference because the planned agenda looks fascinating and is a perfect opportunity for civic mobilization in the furtherment of coexistance.

friends of ours?

The Israeli ZAKA (emergency rescue and first aid team) that handles recovery of remains, flew directly to HAITI after a mission in Mexico and has been working almost non-stop since arrival. their only break was taken last shabbat when they paused to break bread and drink wine with colleagues from egypt and qatar... Disaster breeds anarchy, chaos, and... cross cultural closeness?

esthers lesson

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?....."

so basically we owe it to ourselves and the world to do something and not sit idly by when things disintegrate around us. Even more so when we have a "royal position" ie. a skill set or a comfortable state in life that allows us to reach a little bit further.

Blinded by the light

No one is ignoring Haiti. It seems to me that the entire worlds attention is now wrapped around this tiny nation, whose government has retreated into non-existance. Money is flowing in from everywhere but no one is quite sure how to administer it. The Americans are busy trying to ensure security in a historically highly volatile nation. As usual the security and logistics efforts threaten to consume the humanitarian efforts.

Since Israel is experienced in disaster management and we believe in the concept of "Tikkun Olam", which is something like healing the world, we're able to set up quickly and fill the health gaps left when the entire world has no choice but to focus on security. To some extent, our constant preoccupation with preserving our existance, has enabled us to walk a fully functional balance beam of administrating health care and managing human welfare in a secure environs while threatened.

One one matter truly irks me and that is the matter of everyone's neighbour and his sister wanting to help Haiti while ignoring all the other regions that need help. Sudan has fallen off the media radar. No one pays attention to the Congo anymore. Rwanda has lost it's luster. Shall I go on? It's a huge world with many problems...why must everyone choose to focus on the same one? Help Haiti but don't forget the other 7 billion living on the planet.

pride without prejudice

I'm so proud of Israel and now I'm just as proud of my place of work. Sometimes it makes worklife easier when your personal motto matches with the mission statement at your workplace. I've just been notified that we have approval to organize a six person medical delegation to send to volunteer in Haiti for two weeks. Plane tickets will be purchased and salaries paid for the duration of the outreach trip. In addition, the team will be bringing over needed supplies to help stock the already established field hospitals.

i-efshar

In the fall I decided to commit myself to doing another graduate degree full time while working full time. It's now the final week of the semester and I'm a few hours off the deadline for submitting two lengthy take home exams. I havent slept yet but since last night something has been creeping into my lungs and my throat is becoming sore.

It's impossible that I could be once again getting sick. the last time it took forever for my lungs to clear up and I run terrified from the possibility of doing a course of inhaled corticosteroids to deal with a respiratory virus. Maybe I'm having an allergic reaction to the smoke creeping under my door from my neighbours apartment. Maybe I'll finish the exam, stand in a hot moist shower and wish for the best.

wiiiiiilma....

When I was a little kid, I'd often watch the flintstones and would marvel at how Fred would constantly get so strung out and wound up. It seemed to me that he was always yelling at fiery haired Wilma. Eventually the contrived conflicts and blasted bickering begun to bore me. It felt like a waste of time.

Now I live in a genuine conflict culture. My entire home region is populated by a people who live in constant conflict, with their neighbours, their work colleagues, their friends, and their families. Everyday I listen to stories of road rage, workplace rage, spousal rage, and so on and so forth.

A friend of mine once told me that if I ever felt frustrated or angered by the bad habits of someone close, I should think about how it might just be the flip side of their best habits as well. In which case, the thought would be able to help me better understand the situation and allow me to overlook detritus that would surely bother me. I try this all the time.

My personal approach to life is normally conflict adverse. I lean towards solving problems by removing my initial emotive response and focusing on the rational. But, this is not the best way to be when living in a society where conflict is desired, craved and valued as a method of problem resolution.

My compromise over the years has been to become more aware of my own needs and not be as willing to subterfuge myself in the name of conflict avoidance. I don't think this means I have to throw tantrums or bellow at the top of my lungs while pounding my fists into my chest and pointing my finger into someones face space.

But, at the same time, I don't want to always be fighting when my energy can produce so much more when I can direct it towards building and not destroying. It's interested to me since Israel has been so successful in many arenas, but, I think it has more to do with confidence, true skill, and professional absolutism than in conflict generation.

more than a dog...

Rest in peace my sweet little pebbies. you were the best dog that ever existed. Your unlimited affection, bright eyed intelligence, and mischievousness made you such an integral part of the family that your absence will be felt acutely. I'll always remember how excited you got when you saw me getting ready for one of our epic walks together, and how your tiny tail wagged furiously whenever you heard one of our family's voices. You loved scampering around outdoors and circling the pool whenever we went swimming and you used to greet us at each point in the pool rim where we stopped. You guarded us against the chipmunks and raccoons and even though you were only 4 pounds of dog, you projected yourself as 100 pounds of teacup poodle ferocity. Your fur was the softest I've ever cuddled and your hugs the warmest. No one will ever take your place my little sweet pea.

consider yourself showered....

Yesterday, we held a bridal shower for one of my closest and dearest friends. It was so funny hearing her describe the ecstatic smile on her fiancee's face when he proposed to her and how she hopes to find that smile across his lips again as they build their lives together. It's a good and healthy relationship, and she totally and completely deserves it. Her relationship is not an old one. It began less than a year ago, but it felt right to her and to him and the pace was fast and furious as it moved towards total commitment to each other. Part of her is anxious because the pace has been so quick, but I think her intuition has always been spot on and hope that she can trust it.

The shower began at 8pm and went until 4am and we made so much food and desserts that there was no way it could all have been finished, nevertheless, the girls and myself made a valient effort to prevent anything from going to waste. There was a ton of salads, homemade veggie sushi, focaccia pizza's, dips, spiced fritatta, cheesecake, two types of fruit crumble, chocolate cake, Knafe from Jaffa, nuts, chocolates, and a million other offerings for 13 women who enjoy food.

As the group nibbled into the night the conversation veered from the irreligious and antifeminist aspects of jerusalem holy sites, to advice given to the soon to be bride by each of our friends along with advice from the soon to be bride given to the lovelorn in our group of friends. We talked about her fiancee's most disgusting habit, which apparantly is his unwillingness to cut his toenails by himself. I've heard worse. She was gifted with about 7 differant types of see through lingerie, including a cooking apron which may well see more use in the bedroom than in the kitchen.

ICC or FLKLKJLKJW

I'm in the process of writing an advocacy paper for a hypothetical situation where an new anti terrorism NGO in Israel has decided to up the ante, play some legal tennis and lob a lawsuit into the ICC against Mahmoud Abbas for funding terrorism activities through the PLO. To do this, I'm playing around with light terms like command responsibility, reviewing all terrorist actions since 2002, and then matching everything up with the Rome Statute and the body of material in the Geneva Convention. I'd much rather be baking in advance of my closest friends shower on tuesday.....oh distraction how do I love thee, let me count the ways!

collecting and reframing

I feel the need to reframe my thoughts and shift my perspectives. This happens to me periodically when my weltershang, my worldview, gets shaken up. I like to be challenged to rethink, although sometimes it's embarrassing and painful as new realizations and variable awarenesses flower.

wanted...

what do I want in a relationship? of course the usual;love, validation, respect, communication, and so forth. But realistically how much of this do I need? I realized that I need the affection that when wrapped around me, extends to the rest of my life and allows me to flourish with my life commitments. I need the kisses and the warm caresses as nourishment. I also need to be myself. This is key for me because I feel like I'm quite verbose in the expression of my personality.

I need to be able to dance at will, or sing along to the car radio or in a stairwell or taste the chocolate that's melted on another tongue first. If I try to hold back when the music moves me or hold in the tickling of my vocal cords it makes me feel stunted.

training in motion

so it's 2010. I'm not at all ready to hop into the pool and start training again, as my shoulder is sharply painful which probably isn't helped by the fact that I regularly carry a shoulder bag which weighs about the same as I do. I stuff it with everything I own just to be prepared for any and all emergencies.

But, over the next few days, in the sphere of my sport, I'm going to transition over to focusing on being lighter so that when I do return to a slightly more intense and slightly more voluminous training schedule that the restriction doesn't interfere heavily with the intensity that I'm able to hold while training.

A friend of mine, also in medicine, went to a weight loss specialist who placed him on a program based on a breath metabolic analysis and he's managed to lose close to 30k over the past few months. It cost him several thousand shekels and I'm supposed to be learning how to save, not spend, so I'll resort to that only if I'm desperate for a kick start.

The blunt...J. Blunt.

I have seen peace, I have seen pain, resting on the shoulders of your name...
Do you see the truth.. through all the lies?
do you see the world through troubled eyes?

should I feel a fright?...is my fire of hesitation burning bright?

...you and I have lived through many things...I wouldn't cry for just anything......

would I leave?

I might consider leaving next year, I think. If I got into my choice training program at Harvard through Brigham Womens or Mass Gen in Boston, I might just consider going and then coming back. I wonder if I could do it. I would miss Israel madly. Maybe this is a pie in the sky dream, but my scores are step one. done. An actual application would be step two and then the process begins...I'm tenacious but the competition would be steep. However, having training in Boston would enhance my ability to contribute here by far. At some point, I'll get there but is the timing now? maybe not.

pure insanity

what do you do with a love that makes no sense, that drives you crazy with it's irrationality and power to remain despite everything? What kind of insane emotion can make me feel like a sentimental, tempermental, maniac, having to hold myself back lest I fall down down down the slippery slope into a river fed by waters i've never known? what is this messed up intensity that I have so little power over?