confusion and comprehension squared

Everything changes so quickly that it's hard to even try for predictability. I never would have imagined that I would be where I am now figuratively. I never would have imagined myself so happy with such basic premise. I have my ups and my downs like anyone and I don't flaunt my mood around but instead try to invest myself in life so that I create more reason for life to flower.

I read the news like a ravenous greyhound, sourcing high and low brow forms of my nutritious info-porn. But as dark as the daily news can get, I have a retreat box that I go to emotionally that allows me to target what I personally can change and get over what I can't.

Sometimes I wonder if my 12 year old self would recognize my 30+ year old self because I'm much less tough and far more vulnerable than I was at that age, but at the same time I can feel clarity in vibrant colours much more than I could back then. I was always the kid that tried to do it on her own. I felt that I had no help from anyone and it was tough. Now my life is so intertwined with my loved ones that it makes me wonder if I misread all those childhood years and toiled so hard unnecessarily. perception can be damning.

Right now I just want focused effort from my practical output and effortless focus from my personal insight. I keep throwing up constant checks and balances at myself to make sure I'm on track and that I'm not totally getting swept away by my passion and emotion. In the past my love led me to circumvent my rational voice. As mortals we do that when nose to nose with pure undiluted love. My emotion ate me alive until I found my balance again and yet somehow I came back to life with better perspective and a larger capacity to love and learn. I think that was my reward for suffering so much. I actually matured and grew better prepared for what was later to come and the feelings that run so deep I'm not so quick to suppress.

anyway, welcome to confusion and comprehension squared. my random ramblings for the night.