one crumbling wall

The kotel is a place of solitude, reflection, and transcendence to me. When there, I feel our collective human spirituality and my personal brand of judaism weighting the air we breath. It's a place of truth for me. It's a place of ultimate revelation. I pray. To whom I'm not sure. But there is the only place where I feel like I have a direct line to someone. I'm sure this must sound strange coming from someone who doesn't self define as religious. It seems that for me religion isn't found within the four walls of a synogogue but in the four elements and the banality or beauty of our day to day existence. Religion for me is in our conduct and connection to matters larger than our own person.

I believe in human determinism intermeshed with fate and I feel like somehow my prayers amplify at the wall and maybe even somewhat affect the raw material that fate provides me with. I pray in apology. I pray for the health of my family and I pray for many other things that are too intimate for me to even share here lest it affect the way they are heard and judged. I also make deals. I make promises that I can't break.

I found myself at the wall twice this week and I might yet go again... I'm trying hard to use a divining rod to force myself to listen carefully to where my heart is directing me. I am analytical by nature and by training, but I have an unruly heart that says and does as it pleases and I don't want to let myself hurt anyone. I was at the wall this week, only once on my own, but the first time I was faced with a choice in front of g-d. Despite my heart I couldn't ever betray someones trust in me and I don't think I've betrayed anyone's trust. I feel on this it's clear.

My love is real and as true as love could ever get. I could say this at the wall and be utterly transparent. But a kiss... a kiss at the wall, when someone who cares for you waits in another city and trusts you to be honest with them, would be betrayal through any lense. I was sure that lightening would strike me down if I did it. At the very least I could not live with myself nor could I look him in the eyes.

I went away for months and was separated from someone I love, but my feelings never once wavered. I was committed 100 percent. When I'm with someone, whether it's a relationship or the beginning of a relationship or whatever, I can't be split but this is the first time in my life where I've felt such a strong pull to do so. Somewhere inside me is the answer and I need to listen closely to the beat of my heart for a little bit to suss out the morse code.