I'm looking for that crack. I'm looking everywhere for the break in the veneer that'll let the light in. In a full circle I turn myself. All I can see so far is darkness enveloping me. I can't stop crying every night and everyday I hate myself.
I ask myself why I couldn't be what he wanted. Why everything about me is so wrong. Why my hair is the wrong colour, my skin the wrong shade, my background the wrong heritage. Why is everything about me so wrong. It even feels completely wrong and false when I'm with any man. It feels fake as if I'm faking enjoying being with them and I'm faking enjoying their touch. In fact I can barely stand having their hands on me at all. It feels like poisonous ants on my skin and I feel gutted inside like someone took a serrated edged ice cream scooper and is slowly eviscerating me.
I've never been like this. I can't listen to music. I can't watch movies.
I'm positive that he's been happy from the moment he told my best friend that we were over. I'm positive that he's happy. I should be happy for him. If I really did love him then I should want him to be happy. So why doesn't it make me happy too?
How will I make it though this. How will I find the light in between the cracks? Where is it trying to get through? I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to deal with myself. Dealing with anyone else is far easier. This is my personal version of Dantes Inferno. A thousand stabbing hands reaching into my heart.
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5 comments:
Oh, sweetie. My heart breaks for you. It really does. I hate to see anyone in such pain.
I think (and I ask your forgiveness if you think this is out of line) that this dude is not a man to you anymore, but an idea, a concept, a metaphor for something you lack, something you needed and didn't come through. You are blaming yourself for something that is totally out of your control. What is it that this guy has that is so important? How would your life be better with him in it? These are rhetorical as I am suggesting that it is the need that is making you sad more than the person himself.
There is nothing wrong with you. You did nothing wrong. You guys didn't work out. It wasn't meant to be. And in the long run, that will be a good thing for both of you.
Is he happy? Is anybody? I think happiness comes in given moments and real happiness is not dependent on others or our surroundings, but what we have in ourselves. Everything else is external, changeable and subject to decay. I know that sounds like a lot of crap and it doesn't mean I am always happy, because I'm not. I just know when I am not, it is because I perceive a lack in my life. And I have to figure out what to do about it.
I really am sorry you are in such agony. You will be in my prayers. I mean that.
I agree with enemy. Don't look at it this way. It's hard not to but you must. It just didn;t work out and it's not an endorsement in anyway that your physical appearance or heritage are wrong. Don't look at it like that.
S. and Ricardo, Your words shored me up during my bottom of the well dwelling moment and provoked more thought on my part. Thank you :-)
It's funny how sometimes we can know how we should consider something or perceive a situation a certain way and we can even articulate it to help others, but at the moments when we're at our lowest, we fall so quickly towards forgetting our rational reaction and self beneficial perceptions.
Where I went wrong and how I'm flawed should have lost relevance in the context of that relationship because it's past. But I dwell, not over him as much as over what the idea of my inadequacies represented in the failure of relationship. despite how hard it was to be with him i have many warm memories of special moments, his gentle touch and unique brand of humour. i don't think it's the relationship itself that i needed or maybe it kind of was but in a very different way. i think it might just be my need to have things left right side up and not to have had the total dissolution of a personal connection that i valued very much.
I'm not really sure whether I need anything that I can't work for or somehow create for myself; be it tangible or intangible. I think this applies to everyone.
Unfortunately emotions can't always be quantified or even identified and labeled. Meeting our own emotional needs is way too ambiguous.
I think my happy gene went defective somewhere along the way this year and stopped coding for the right proteins. I also think that it's up to us to make ourselves happy but we don't live in personal bubbles and so the problem can be not so much in doing what it takes to make us happy but preventing what makes us sad from taking hold.
I don't know if you are ready for me to lay some of my crazier ideas on you, but a lot of our unhappiness comes from this illusion (maya in Sanskrit) that we are separate. When we feel pain, particularly emotional pain, we feel separate from what we deem as a good life. So we look to externals to help us. I've been there and it has gotten me in so much trouble. People tell me I need to write my memoirs and only recently did I give it a passing thought. But I won't until I feel more settled in my changing views.
We want others to fulfill what we feel we don't have in our lives. Even the most loving person cannot consistently do such a thing--nothing can. It's a reason for addiction and loneliness. It is saying "I am wrong and I need to be fixed by having such and such." And it never works for long.
I've been staying away from blogging in general due to the need to just think my thoughts. I only visit a few now that actually seem to be about something. You seem to be on a quest. I think that is very cool. I believe we seek connection, and the truth is that we are all connected, we are all one, but we don't realize it. We believe the lie.
I welcome all the branches and streams of thoughts that can challenge my worldview and carry me forward...nothings ever really too far out because it has some sort of relevance at it's base.
My understanding of Maya in hinduism is that of an illusion that exists and doesn't exist but at it's core is about the need to see our actions as part of the true interconnected existance underneath, that is without distinction between the self and the universe. This could be a bit far out but if I look further into it or through the lens of buddism it presents as the veil preventing me from reaching some sort of personal contentment only if my actions are not related to the greater good of humanity through interconnectedness. This i can relate to. Hurakami wrote a bit about the isolation of individuals being tempered by our prototypical memories which draw us together and suggests that once we pull back within the circle or pass through the Maya, essentially achieving Moksha, that we find our place again in the connected sphere.
Bringing it to street level, to me that means not so much wanting others to fulfill what we don't have but shifting our viewpoint so that all actions that flow outwards reflect our understanding of our place in the world and hence lonliness and isolation disappear because we're not isolated drops of water but part of the salty sea.
I think the dominant concept in illusary hinduism is the theme that the self is the enemy of the self and the self is the friend of the self. An enemy when we become selfish and a friend when we can become selfless... that's a very tall order to fill.
But, what I like is the idea that we need to raise ourselves beyond our limited self awareness and illusory attitude towards life and actualize our intentions. It's sort of like the judeo-christian tenet of g-d helping those who help themselves but with the added requirement that it be about releasing our inward focus and external illusions.
I'm not sure how many of us have the power to shut ourselves out of material pleasures or goals entirely in the pursuit of the great big sea. In the sense of alleviating emotional pain, i can see how that path could be taken by thinking in terms of shifting energies to an external greater good and looking at it in terms of the larger movement of humanity.
I could be pulling this a bit farther than it's meant to go but it's one interpretation.
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