Morning brought the realization that I have developed a deep and abiding hatred for myself tied with barbed wire to my experience in my past relationship. I think I might have just imagined the relationship. He was someone who wouldn't even put up pictures of the two of us on social networking sites he frequented nor would he connect us by listing himself as in a relationship. He was committmentphobic and when we were with friends would walk arm in arm or share breakfast with the nearest hot girl 100 metres away while leaving me to socialize in the pack. He often commented on how he admired men who treated their friends and lovers with the same level of affection so that an onlooker would not be able to distinguish the two. Maybe he was secretly planning on joining a polygamy commune. He loved everyone and no one, most certainly not me. So maybe I just have been having a really long nightmare and my relationship was just a creation of what I wanted and clearly not he.
I think I can use this self hatred to keep myself on track and keep consistently turning up my productivity knob, since I don't really have anything holding me back from total devotion to my work, which I love unremittingly.
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2 comments:
Sounds like free love baby!! WOOOO!
There's no need to harbor self hatred over this. You don't do that.
yeah I'm all for make love not war and all that but a little jealousy gremlin snuck under my shirt. I wanted passionate love and maddening affection and instead I was lucky if he held me loosely in public once a month. I was born in the wrong era.
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