Eyes Wide Shut

Sometimes my behavior completely disgusts me. I don't consider myself to be overwhelmingly self absorbed and I've been accused of taking myself out of the equation entirely but at times it hits me that I've been reacting as if I'm still a tumbling two year old who hasn't been able to put my own drama of life into perspective for the sake of another. Sometimes we can sacrifice ourselves at the alter of altruism but then later find that we crave the inward focus so badly that it comes at the expense of another persons peace. I feel like I modulate myself so much to not affect but lately I've caught myself throwing what seems like tantrums of inward focused self absorbed ego pandering by satisfying my own psychological needs instead of having that consideration that I think is so valuable as social lube.

On another social front involving the right kind of evening lubricant, yesterday I went to join some friends to celebrate a birthday. The birthday boy is someone who in yiddish we would call a gittennashumah. Such a good heart. The place was smokey, which I hate, and filled to the brim with aggressive men including one guy who called himself saddam hussein and asked me if I wanted to do the moonwalk with him. I told him that Michael Jackson rocked but he'll probably have more luck if he goes the way of Lady Gaga (who's in tel aviv this weekend). One particular friend of ours, I'll call him, Don Juan, has been persistently pursuing. He's a man of many keys in that he has lots of issues lying hidden underneath a very calm and smooth surface. I like him but I know that if I ever let him touch me I would feel even more disgusted with myself. I've come to realize that I separate myself into pieces when I think about being intimate with anyone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to enjoy it again and not feel like the experience is an acting exercise that I'm not well suited to. I regret kisses and caresses as if I was breaking some sort of boundary or crossing a line in my mind.

In fact I hate that men in tel aviv feel it's within their right to casually put their hands all over you while you walk by or stand chatting with friends. When I feel wandering hands I usually do a class A disappearing act ASAP. It makes me feel slimed.