Cancelling plans to go out tonight was the simplest of decisions. One of my girls called me up and tempted me by descriptions of a hot meetup with lots of gorgeous and sane tel aviv men. instead, I dallied and postponed my late night run until now it will be too late for me to join. For 8 months I've avoided half of the city, even while running ( which is hard to do in a tiny city like tel aviv). It's very counter to my nature. I long for freedom to go wherever I please, but am literally terrified of a scene with the ex. As it is he still spreads rumours that I'm chasing him, among other rumours that he has fun with. As if he thinks that it's not going to get back to me. It's disgusting but I have no intent on adding fuel to his flame. what this means is that by default my life is compromised.
I'm thinking that it's just about time to move. As much as I love Israel and feel that I can still give a lot more, living this way makes me claustrophobic if every move I make has to be about avoiding him. After he dumped me, I only stayed in israel to spite him because he regularly accused me of being not israeli enough or not belonging to israel because my parents were born in Canada. It was ironic because his alter ego is so inclusive, but when it came to me he ramrodded regularly with the idea that I wasn't wanted in israel because I wasn't born here and didn't act israeli enough. But I don't have the energy to be spiteful and i want to live my life with the freedom to go where I please in my own city, and to find that unfortunately I may have to leave. I've never been so depressed before, nor for so long.
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Sorry I haven't been around, but I haven't been blogging due to life situations and a sheer lack of interest in writing down my thoughts. Why leave Israel? If this ex is so prominent in Tel Aviv, can't you go to another city? And no man deserves such power--live your life, girl! I've never been to Tel Aviv, but I imagine it's a big place--this dude isn't the mayor! I really understand how people who you are sensitive to can just harsh everything in your daily life, but moving is a way of saying that he is right. I know it is hard, but get those voices out of your head--it might not even be him talking anymore, but a sense of negativity that you have and he articulated in your past relationship. I am not saying that I haven't had those feelings of having my life compromised by the actions of another person--I have. But it is always better to say fuck it all, and live how YOU want to live instead of obeying the inner terrorist. I hope I'm not sounding too rough--don't let the bad stuff in life overtake the goodness that is in you. And you are a good person; you are not defined by this man and his opinions.
You're kind of right...but it's not that the ex is so prominent in tel aviv. It's that he continues to demand that I to make myself scare in Israel because he claims it's a downer for him to hear that I exist.
I don't know where my negativity is coming from. I hope I haven't internalized all of that from the relationship. I try not to bring people around me down and very few of my friends know the effect all this has had on me.
It's not just coming from my internal terrorist ( I love that expression BTW) but from him full on. It's happened about once a month by email with little napoleon ( he even stands like napoleon was depicted in drawings with one hand tucked under the lip of his clothes)
Tel Aviv is very small. Maybe 10km from one end to the other with another few through Yafo over to Bat Yam. All of Israel is actually really tiny. It can be comfortable biked from tip to tip in 3 days of moderate paced riding.To avoid someone with similar interests you really have to make a huge effort and sacrifices need to be made.
We are defined by our heart, our will and our ethics. I really believe this. What you're saying is not too rough but it's my Pavlovian response. We get burned enough that we develop a learned reaction. Maybe I do need to say fuck it and just live my life and let him deal with his own emotional reprecussions.
Problem is that despite how in touch i've become with the dirtiness of our relationship and it's dissolution, I don't really want to hurt him with my presence or my words. Well, some days I do. But not really. It makes me feel too badly afterward and ultimately I have my self to face.
He did me such a favour by dumping me because I never could have dumped him and would have had such a difficult life by his side.
Realistically I don't know if I'll go or stay right now. Maybe I have a lot to think about over the next month.
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