Looks like I might soon be out of here. I'm partial to accepting a contract with MSF to go back and volunteer in Africa for 12 months. After that, I'll figure out how to continue my work in the middle east. I might base myself in Egypt or in Jordan. Ill take my writing work with me as that can be done remotely and I can also manage my physician/medical editors remotely.
I just can't handle the fallout from my ex. I feel like I need to get away from myself to peel off all the emotion wrapped around that one experience. If I don't, then I honestly fear that every day I will die just a little bit more until nothing is left of my essential self any longer. I'm living in this messed up parallel inside-out life, where on the outside I have amazing friends and a great family and a solid career path that I am passionate about; on the inside I have a black hole growing that brings me to tears every single night when it's late enough that I'm by myself and I only want to come home to myself.
The black hole is the unresolved messy end to my last relationship. It lives inside me like a heavy fetus it's umbilical cord wrapped around my throat preventing me from crying out anywhere but here. In my written space I can vent and breath and cry juicy words onto the screen.
I think all it would have taken back then to end it right side up and to free me from these chains would have been to have had one discussion in person and then leave it at goodbye.
But he was so insistent that there be nothing. And the emptiness turned into a living breathing dragon. I mean really, here I am at 10.30 in the morning when I should be with patients or reviewing or a million other things, and instead where am I? sitting in a quiet space that I favour, taking time to write out everything that hurts but can't be seen.
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3 comments:
Wow. I'm so sorry you are suffering. I would do the gig if it is beneficial to you, not just to escape this man. However, if the relationship has such a hold on you, it may be good to hightail it out of there.
either way I have to deal with myself. I can't really run away from myself wherever I go. I have to learn to turn my emotional crap around. I love msf. It's an amazing organization that I want to do a lot of work with over the length of my career. It's beneficial in a million ways because i can try my best to help in areas where the physical suffering is a million times greater than my own melodramatic emotional tornado. doing field work always puts crap in perspective.
another alternative is either going to the nazareth hospital for a few months ( west bank) or directly to sheba in gaza on my canadian passport which could be an interesting path to take for a few months, but I'm not sure of the legality and the approval might take forever. maybe to hebron.
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