Indeed, things can always get stranger. Like Alice through the looking glass, I've been looking at the world mouth agape as if someone had slipped LSD into my grapefruit juice. I never could stand orange juice. Teddy Kennedy, champion of socialized health care in the U.S. is gone, so is DJAM. Shalit may be home within the week if Hamas approves the new deal within the three day deadline set by the german mediators. The strangeness that I'm experiencing is not so much in world events,as the world tends to take dramatic elliptical turns which I've come to expect. But, my world on the micro level takes me through wild jungles of tangled discontent. I'm observing myself as a detached observer in the process of living and it feels like living in a freeze frame film. I try to shed the remnants of my atavistic ineffectual approach to aspects of my life.
Last night, while I was working on a paper on myocarditis for our client, deadline fast approaching, I was distracted by a visit from one of my closest friends who lives a 45 second walk from my apartment. Within 2 minutes of her sweeping through my door, Don Juan decides to come calling. It was actually perfect timing because my friend hadn't yet properly met Don Juan. Coincidentally, she had been with Don Juan's best friend ( who I'll call pinky because it fits...) and had a one week relationship with him, only to part on antagonistic terms. Don Juan convinced me to open the bottle of argentinian red wine that I had kept for several months. Of course, I managed to drink about 1/3rd of the glass before noticing the merry go round feeling set in. I'm well aware of my inability to metabolize alchohol. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if it turns out that I'm completely missing alchohol dehydrogenase. My low tolerance is better for me anyhow as I intensely dislike the feeling of being unable to fully control my own actions and I spend enough time tuning my bodies ability to perform that I don't need to make it more difficult for myself by creating extra formeldyhyde for my liver to deal with. A glass of quality red wine here and there though feels relatively harmless and has proven cardioprotective effects.
My friend and Don Juan were unperturbed as we delved into discussion which ranged the gamut from palestinian israelis and morrocan arabs to the afteraffects of a postmodern society's militarization. As 11pm rolled into 1am, my friend left Don Juan and I alone in my place and left me to contend with how to fend off unwanted advances. Suddenly, I was entirely unsure if they were unwanted. I'm actually starting to crave touch again. It's meaningless touch but I'm the type of person who can live off kisses, so to not desire a mans affection for 8 months attests to how profoundly off kilter I was thrown this year.
At the same time that my desire returns, I realize that my ability form emotional connections through physical contact remains hampered. Thus, any satisfaction gained from any random Don Juans touch leaves me with a similar feeling that we get after cotton candy at the local fair; completely unfulfilled and a step closer to taking a vow of chastity and devoting myself to kosher nunnery. The problem is the wiring of my female brain which leads me to associate physical pleasure with intellectual pleasure. Men have it easier as physical pleasure is paramount in most cases and empty headedness is more often than not a non factor in attraction as long as it comes with a set of breasts, a body of barbie proportions,and a propensity for long romps between bedsheets. For me, adonis himself could appear in an apparition and proposition me and I would probably be bored within 30 seconds. I need a different stimulus and a connection that only comes with time and shared experience. Who knows if I can allow myself this yet.
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3 comments:
I hear a lot of women saying that whole thing about Adonis. well, not Adonis specifically but a very attractive man and how it is not always about looks and then brad Pitt comes on the TV or something and the argument they made flies out the window. I think women can be just as bad as men when t comes to just being attracted to the physical. Not all women but many more than they let on. :-)
that being said, yes, you have been through a relationship and want to move forward cautiously and that is fine. I think it's great you are looking for the whole package. Allow yourself to have fun with this stuff again.
Brad pitt...mmmmmm but boring as hell. Oceans 11 worked despite brad pitt. It's not bad to be attracted to physical qualities. We're gentically programmed for that and it has to do with our subconscious wanting to improve our progenies chances of survival. Continuation of the gene pool etc. Relationships and sex should be pleasurable otherwise we wouldn't want to promulgate the human race.
Moving forward seems to be happening, but I'm definitely not looking for anything. I've never ever looked for a relationship and usually end up in them without noticing. I don't think I want to be in a relationship ever again but having said that it's almost impossible not to get drawn into the inter gender dynamics in Tel Aviv. It's a bit of a hedonistic city that's very body conscious and people wear very little, especially in the summer. If you're even half involved in life, you can't help but get drawn into the fun a little bit ;-) So maybe I'm ready for a little bit of play.
ahhh I take back that Brad Pitt comment. I just watched him in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. crazy hot dynamics. first time I've liked him... I guess we all change.
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