Often I wonder whether it is indeed possible to love someone despite everything that's ever happened between you, despite titanic personality clashes of the scale of the earth and the moon, despite titular earthquakes of emotional gravitas, despite the rhythms of normalcy and common sense that beg for acknowledgment.
Could this mean that 50 years from now, while laying in blissed out nakedness with some random unshaven lover that I've fallen onto along the expense of sandy beach that lines my inner desires, I'll constantly be comparing fingers to fingers, touch to touch. Will I be carrying him in my heart forever at the expense of appreciating the immediate and the sensually present? My youth is fleeting or already gone and what remains is only contemplation and hindsight.
I was chatting with an older friend the other week who described to me how she would never forget one love who buried himself so deep in her existence that even though she's now married with three kids, she still feels intimate with her ghost of lovers past...
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6 comments:
You may always "love" this person, but you will cease to be in love. Your youth is not anywhere near leaving you, buddy! Love can make us feel older when it doesn't go our way; it has that sense of poetic tragedy that slows us down and makes life seem torpid. You will fall in love with someone else. It is how life goes. It may happen when you least expect it. Sometimes the ghost of past lovers is nothing more that the ghost of the present that seeks redemption in the past--it's that part of your life when you say "I could have done this at that time, but I chose to do something else." It is called regret. But all of this happened for a reason. Trust your path. You will not always be in such pain--please believe me.
I don't think I was ever in love with him. We had no honeymoon, he was too closed off to let me share in one. But I felt love for him with overwhelming depth. I still do and I hate myself for it.
I don't ever want to fall in love with anybody else again. He was the first and only in my entire life of boyfriends and a fiancee that I ever felt that way about and I hope the last.
If I always love him then it follows that I will always be haunted by my love.
You will heal. Of course you don't want to fall in love with anyone else--you are still dealing with the fallout!
You can love someone and not be tortured. Or it can simply turn into indifference. There is one guy that I loved and I know I still love him in my way, but I've moved on. Another--I do care about him, but I know better than to ever have any contact with him again. I'd rather drink gasoline. The feelings do settle and you do get a chance to move on. But it takes time.
I'm not so sure that I'll ever heal. Psychic wounds are far more pernicious than physical ones sometimes. Maybe there's a fix somewhere that I'll chance on by accident. I thought I was healed months ago but the feelings have just ebbed and flowed. His last email before my birthday this year was the worst in it's ability to torpedo me backwards into the emotional middle ages. another birthday i let him massacre. I guess it's just because it never was a clean break up for me. There was no chance to talk or end things well. There was just silence. for me that's medieval torture at it's best. I'm sorry for being a melodramatic pain in the ass with my comments :-p
I actually feel sadder and sadder each day that I think about this. I've never been this way before. This is like some sort of intrinsic change in who I am.
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