I'm suffocating. I need to get up and go, somewhere, anywhere. I have some quasi time off coming up over september and october. I won't have any scheduled clinical responsibilities but will still need to take my writing/editing with me. I want to jump out of myself. I know we can never run away from ourselves, but maybe a change of scenery will be enough to allow me to make efficacious and wise decisions concerning my future. I'm always re-evaluating that wide and shape shifting concept known as "my future". There are a few constants that always remain. I love my chosen profession and could hardly care when it swallows every free moment of my time. It's better than a random man feeling free to subjugate and swallow it up himself.
A friend of mine is particularly hard on her sister. Her sister is 36 and because she's single, apparently, she's an emotional burden on her family. This woman owns a large and well furnished apartment in the center of tel aviv, has a job that pays far above the median national income, and is completely content if not for her sister agitating within the family. My friend was trying to convince me that I would be the same burden on my brothers if I chose to eschew coupledom. This seems to me to be pedantic malarkey. There is no burden if as empowered women we're able to support ourselves and live independent lives. I'm not her sister's age, but since I'm far over 25 and have vowed to remain free as a wild colt, she lumps us in the same category. Although this friend is not in a relationship, she's determined to find one and be married with kids within the next two years. Anything's possible, but I fail to understand the emotional burden that I would place on my brothers should I cherish and protect my independence.
I don't want to go home for the holidays. Having my mother text me a million times all day and speaking to my family everyday is enough for now. My brothers will come visit here this fall, but I'm just not into going home and being lectured for not following the prescribed path, for being too ambitious for my own good, and for chafing at the thought of a suburban existance.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
Wow... I wonder why she is considered a burdon to her family? Sounds like its a self inflicted one and not that she is doing or asking for things. I have 3 good friends just over 40 and never been married. One is desperate to be married and have kids, the other 2 are resolved to have the best lives they can have without a significant other. It seems to me you have to be happy with who you are before you can be happy as a couple.
I have been married *cough* 21 years and will tell you that coupledom isnt the end all be all! Its easy to lose yourself and frankly its a ton of work. Same thing with kids. I wouldnt change my life as I have a lovely situation all around, but if it suddenly changed... if I found myself single again, I dont think I would marry again. I think it breeds complacency... I am thrilled I had kids young because at this age, my choice would be not to have them... not sure that that makes sense or not.
I came by way of Ricardo... so you can blame him for this very lenghty comment! lol
cheers!
21 years? congratulations. that's beautiful. I have much respect for those who can maintain healthy longevity in their relationships. My parents have been married for over 35 years and their love is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
You bring up some really interesting points with the idea of complacency, childbirth, and personal identity.
Thoughts on that could take up a whole post on it's own. Realistically though, you're right in that when we're comfortable we can tend to settle in and accept what we have instead of striving to get more out of ourselves or out of life, and this tends to happen in some relationships. other relationships breed achievement. I think that it's entirely easy to lose ourselves as women in relationships, especially when raising kids and during times when our families needs subvert our own. But, at the same time having someone beside you who believes in you is like concealing a superpower in your pocket. If the relationship is right it helps you add dimensions to your identity and reach farther than you thought possible. Unfortunately few people are lucky enough to have this. For me, after experiencing the worst break up in existence, I just don't want to let that type of pain in my life ever again.
My friend's sister isn't a burden in my eyes. She doesn't ask anything of her family, but my friend feels that it's awkward to think of her sister being single around the other sisters with husbands and kids of their own. I think that this friend is causing problems in her family by fixating on her sisters singledom.
It does make sense to me that at an older age someone would not want to begin raising kids or building a relationship, I think it takes a youthful optimism to jump into the thick of child raising and family building. That's why it doesn't often happen at an older age.
I love lengthy comments... will have to convey thanks to Ricardo :-)
OK this kind of thinking frustrate me to no end. Why is a single and self sufficient life seen as a problem? I say good for her for being on her own and having her act together and not answering to anyone. Are the brothers doing that well? If not, they may be burden on her.
This backward thinking belongs in the trash can.
she has sisters and the one who keeps pushing the parents to put pressure on her is actually single herself...but she thinks she'll be married before her sister because her sister doesn't care. Maybe she's right that she'll be married and the other one won't, but who else cares? This woman is totally self sufficient and content.
My brothers aren't married and they're younger than me, one of them will probably be married within the next year. But, even so I wouldn't be any burden on them by virtue of my choice to bypass a relationship. In fact, my brothers were thrilled when my ex broke up with me because they couldn't believe that I would let him treat me so disrespectfully and stay with him throughout it all. I'm much stronger outside of a relationship and my friends sister is clearly thriving.
Being single and sufficient in judaism is a problem because it goes against the order to go forth and multiply...which requires two ;-)
Yeah I know about the whole being fruitful and multiply thing because every old lady wants to set me up with their granddaughter or niece or something. It's calmed down lately but it will pick up again. I know it.
I had some super duper orthodox guy tell me on the internet that I can not be a real adult or Jew unless I marry ad have a family. I sense this guy is not happy even though he has a wife and kids.
The sister putting on the pressure needs to realize that this is NOT a race or contest. She must calm down now. She is not helping her sister. And here's the thing. This woman will get married and one year later will wish she was free and single like her older sister. Suddenly that older sisters life will be so exciting. You just wait.
Of course if I ever find myself in Israel do let your single friend know the Ricardo is available for fun and frolic. :-P
Your jewishness has absolutely nothing to do with your marital status or reproduction choices...that's too funny.
I have no doubt the shidduching will pick up again throughout the holidays... glad at least you get the humour out of it ;-)
You're so right about convincing her to release the pressure valve. That type of pressure is helpful to no one.
I think one of my friends from toronto has the most ideal balance. she's married and just had her first baby this week, but travels all over the world doing adventure sports and exploring. In this sense she hasn't really compromised her life that much and probably extended her "live" factor because she can go places, take risks, and do things without the worries that a woman on her own might have and she gets to enjoy it with her best friend and lover... but that's very rare to find.
I promise if you ever find yourself spontaneously in the land of milk and honey, you won't need me to help you find the honey...the country is brimming with beautiful women (one of my friends just married a redhead. I think she has cousins ;-)
Yeah some people here get too pious and are like, "Look at me dressed all in black with 50 kids!! I'm more Jewish than you and you can't beat me! I'm a super Jew and unless you join us you won't be on the winning side of REAL Judaism." The whole thing is so silly. I get this crap on Twitter. For some reason a bunch or super orthodox Jews decided to follow me because I'm Jewish. Whatever.
"promise if you ever find yourself spontaneously in the land of milk and honey, you won't need me to help you find the honey...the country is brimming with beautiful women (one of my friends just married a redhead. I think she has cousins ;-)"
Oh I have seen websites dedicated to the women of the IDF as well as countless videos on Youtube of the Israeli beach bunnies.
Strangely, many here have urged me to stay away from all Israeli women because they are mean and will treat me mean.
Cousins? Readheads? I'll be over soon.
hahaha super jew...I've seen these super jew t-shirts in the mahane yehuda market in jerusalem. they've got a little mini yellow smiley faced superman with peyachs and a kippa.
I don't begrudge any of the religious their sense of piety, if that's what they do feel. But, I think what happens is resentment builds over how other jews can choose various levels of observance and lifestyles separate from their own, while they feel locked in. That and also they fail to see the Moshiah on his way yet. ;-)
This stream feels compelled to convince others to follow the same path and the best way to do it is to inspire the good old feelings of jewish guilt... a.k.a. how to be a good jew.
Israeli women have tough exteriors to their personalities, but they're very warm and friendly and welcoming. They do demand sometimes to be treated like princesses but they treat their men just the same... It's really impossible to be truly mean when you live in such a breathtakingly beautiful and meaningful place.
I don't hate the super Jews, I just hate when they start attacking me and say I'm not as good as them or I'm not a real Jew. Leave my Jewishness alone, super Jews! Go away! This gets out of hand in various places in New York City especially as there's a large Jewish populations there of all varying levels.
There's too few of us to hate. We need unity. The J TEAM!!! WOOO!
OK the girls are nice on the inside. This makes me feel better because the stories here about them are crazy. They make them sound like cold blooded men who will kill me in my sleep after our first date even if it went well. LOL! I really think they just want me to focus on the local women, so they spin these stories. LOL! It's so silly but I love it.
You ought to use some of that down time to write and illustrate a super jew cartoon. It'd be hilarious.
I'm all about jewnity :-)))
I've heard the crazy stories about Israeli girls, but I live here and am surrounded by them in my social circle and at work haha.. Trust me on this. They're very hot-blooded and you can never accuse them of lacking passion. It's funny. I say them but I'm one too. I'm a full israeli citizen. speaking for womankind here, I say let them spin the stories, it just adds to the mystique.
Yes, Jewnity!!!
What if you are trying to trick me about these Israeli women now that you are on their side? LOL!
hahaha...life's about calculated risks ;-)
Post a Comment