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About Me
- Shawna
- No longer late twenties (dirty thirties have arrived)Canadian in Israel loving the diversity of the middle east and determined to spite it all and make that small differance while hoping and working feverishly for change and peace all at once.
7 comments:
Don't worry.Like everything,this too will pass.
Shawna thank for stopping by. Sounds like your trying to shake a bad breakup. I'm sorry to hear that. There are much better things around the corner. It is hard to let go but worth it. You'll see.
Your posts are lots of fun to follow sometimes. I am indeed trying to figure out how to control my heart better. It was a very bad break up. The worst I've ever experienced in my entire life and yet what does letting go actually mean? What exactly is it that I could be holding on to? Isn't it just a esoteric phrase? I'm holding my palms upturned and my hands are empty.
Shawna, I will attempt to answer that.
I think we recall the idea and comfort of having someone close to us and it's so good that when it's gone we get blinded to all the other negative issues that were present in that relationship. We ask, how can we ever have that closeness, that spark, again? It took so long to find it, you had it and lost it and before you know it you're paralyzed. We forget that at the beginning there was the magic, the spark and so on but things along the way got ugly and couldn't be resolved. That's why there was a break up.
So I feel that sometimes we are left holding onto fear. The fear of venturing forward and getting burned again and the past which was nice at the beginning but our mind played tricks on us and made us lessen the bad because the good was so good.
I hope I'm making sense. It's very late at night here.
you make very good sense:-) I enjoy closeness but I get that elsewhere. as for looking to find something.. well, I've never really done that. I've never been a jdater or a lovesearcher. maybe i'm holding on to fear but for me it's a different type of fear. I don't fear venturing forward or being on my own and i'm trying to be very pragmatic about how bad the bad was in light of the good. I don't want any sort of relationship ever but not because I could get burned, just because i'm not willing to give away any more of my self away to one person anymore. maybe i've now become selfish. I can give my time or share any skills that I may have but for me i think the pleasure that i get from doing what I love and what inspires me outweighs what I experienced in my last relationship. I want to venture forward but this whole letting go philosophy is still overtly perplexing for me because I don't feel like there's anything I'm hanging on to related to the past. When I was last biking near masada I felt so free all of a sudden. It was as if my sorrow was lifted and what ever was chaining me to a feeling of love lost had dissolved. I made the mistake of opening a few messages that I should have left unread and unreseponded and it brought me back.
Maybe I'm wrong. I've been very wrong before.
No I think your onto something. I pretty much swore off relationships and have been happier after doing it. The biking was therapeutic for you. I think the time is perfect for you to be totally selfish. I have done it and it's not really as selfish as it seems. It's more like a self nurturing thing.
BTW I just can't bring myself to Jdate either. LOL!
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