sometimes we can easily hone our ability to resist material temptations.. to resist buying that summer dress that we're longing for, or that square of lindt dark chocolate that sits so beseechingly cradled by an open wrapper. It's the ability to control our personalities or natural behaviours that can take far more effort to develop.
early in the year I got dumped. In the cruelest harshest way possible he cut me to pieces and relished the act of total destruction. he cared nothing for me and this was evident throughout but i worked very hard to ignore the obvious. i willingly engaged in self delusion to pretend that he felt warmth for me where there was only cold sharper than that of the frozen canadian tundra. i forced myself to go out and run when each falling step prompted a monsoon of tears, so much that my shirt was equally saturated from tears as from sweat. For months, my sobs interfered with my breathing and i found will to continue somewhat from the drenched soil in the yarkon park since I was lacking it in my soul.
and then it stopped. and then the sun came out from behind the heavy cloud cover.
i'm slowly teaching myself to create walls in my mind and control the placing of memories so that i don't fall backwards into the memory abyss. one resolution is for certain.. I will never again allow myself to be that exposed ever again, nor will I ever allow myself to fall in love again. I don't really need it. I hadn't intended on falling in love at all. It's just a mindless distraction that I don't think I need. Over and onwards to the next phase of my life.
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