I've found myself in the kinneret.... not literally but here i am preparing to race tommorow morning. Probably not entirely wise since my shoulder is held in place by mere strands of ligament but I'm going to give it a go and take it easy on the swim leg.
I have the most beautiful room looking out over the kinneret and the mountains in the distance towards the golan and since I arrived I've been over the moon catching up with all my friends from around the world who are here to compete. Two ex boyfriends or rather two ex flings are here as well and I'm so excited to see them. Cute as ever, one of them is now engaged to a lovely girl who I adore. Lucky girl. To think... I gave him up. I still have pangs for my shithead ex as I'm entranced by the land. Israel is so beautiful and he was one of the few people who could appreciate the earth to the same extent as I do. I often feel like I could wrap myself in the hills and valleys and rivers and dusty curves of this country. I want to touch it and breath it in as my own. The most contentious slab of teeny tinyness on the planet.
I love having my friends around me but could kick myself for not being able to kick my longing for shithead himself.
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3 comments:
Your ex sounds like a piece of work. But the fact that you loved him perhaps means there was good in him that he may have wanted to keep hidden--that's too bad. I know men can be cruel, but you seem so kind and loving--I find it incredible that any sensible man would hurt you like that, but I haven't been around the dating scene for a long time. I think you are making all the right moves to get over this experience, but be patient with yourself. Maybe you long for the few good moments with him or you long for what you thought the relationship could have been. But trust me, he's the loser, not you.
I think my comment belonged in the post below, but I think you get my drift. I am truly sorry you suffered so much. Susan is me, Enemy, but sometimes I just don't bother to sign in.
Hi Susan :-) It sounded like it might have been you. How are you doing on your side of the ocean? I think we're experiencing similar moments in our life flow somewhat.
He does have a great deal of good in him which he struggled to integrate in his life off line and in developing depth of relationships and intimacy. I think that he's still coming to terms with who he is as an individual in progress but I don't think of it so much as suffering, this experience of mine. I think of it as a necessary evolution. You're right on both counts in that I long for the few good moments in our relationship and for what could have been. We were a team but he had so many issues and no ability to talk things out that were personal in real time. I was supposed to give him time and space before talking because he supposedly loved me but my presence and refusal to stop living presented an obstacle for him to have his space. He told me in march that he saw us even possibly getting back together at one point because he "loved and missed me" but I heard that, saw it as superficial and it hurt me even more because it felt like he entirely saw me as at his beck and call and disposable if he found something better. The next time we spoke involved me asking for a dish via email and him responding by blasting me over the phone for not giving him his necessary space. maybe the best things come out of suffering and so all suffering represents is the birth pains of the next phase of life with new perspectives and approaches.
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