Monday, July 6, 2009
fresh soil on clean floors
The past year has been among the worst in my life. I was writing in this blog mostly to myself so that I could have a forum for my own thought mediation. But, today I've decided to dump everything from my blog archive and start anew. I held back from writing in the public blogosphere for a while because I didn't want to infringe on the territory assumed by my ex from hell who from here forth will be known as shithead(TM). But now, I think enough time has passed that I can freely claim a place in this great mass of blogomanic informatzia.
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4 comments:
Well, I will try to visit if that's okay. I blog better when I do it for myself and not someone's expectations. Thanks for your visit--I understood all too well what you wrote. I haven't been there in a romantic relationship for--well, a damn long time due to marriage, but I do remember having a boyfriend like that--total asshole and the relationship left me so bitter. But it can happen with friends too, maybe not as intense--it depends as I think some friends can almost be a part of ourselves and when they leave, it is as though we leave.
Hang in there.
Wow--I just reread my comment--no romantic relationship due to marriage--LMAO! I hope you understood what I intended to say--LOL. By the way, claim your space--no one owns the internet!
Hey Enemy,
it was understood.i did wonder for a moment though.. :-) it wasn't that he was a total asshole. the confusion and pain lay in trying to decipher the complexity of his multiple personality. i also blamed myself for everything that failed in the relationship for a long time. But it takes two to build a relationship and there has to be a willingness to work on the weaknesses on both parts. Although I don't really feel bitter, i really resented what felt like a continuous sapping of my strength because i had laid myself bare existentially and was burned deeply. At the same time he never was able to actually listen to me enough to know who i really was so i can't feel too badly. he literally could not hear any of my words. it was|as if i spoke zulu or came from the ashanti peoples culture out of Ghana. Friends or romantic relationships affect us just as deeply, you're very right, and we are affected doubly when the romance involves our best friend. But, ultimately it comes down to us taking control of ourselves and finding acceptance in that within our own minds. I'm hanging in for the long run.. thanks for the encouragment. As for the divine advice, I don't think it matters from where it was solicited as it's sound, down to earth and has fewer side effects that people manufactured hershey chocolate ;-)
Hey,
I read your comment earlier, but didn't have the chance to reply. I thought about what you said--I was in error or simply too casual in refering to my ex as a total asshole. I just felt that pain again and I remembered. I understand what you mean about laying yourself bare. I won't bore you with the details of my relationship, but you hit something key--communication and understanding. I remember that I loved this guy and thought I would marry him. Our first year was bliss--I never had been in love until him. When it went bad, it just turned sick and we ended with a lot of resentment. He probably calls me an evil bitch to this day. I don't know the quirks of your ex; it sounds like he had walls built up so that he couldn't hear you, even if he tried. Intimacy is very powerful stuff and I don't mean sex, but real love--when you bare your soul, tell your secrets, show your true self. In my case, my ex heard me for a while and I heard him, but then things got bad; he used what he knew to hurt me because he felt I had hurt him. You had mentioned friends: it was like that in which he tried to turn people against me, including my own family. I found that the people who went with his version were primarily his friends in the first place, not mine and those who stuck it out with me were primarily my friends--when he worked on my family, that was the real betrayal for me. But he had his point of view as I know in retrospect that I hurt him, not out of malice, but because the whole thing just got too big for me--I was really young and still figuring out my life. I hated him for a long time, but now I believe he wasn't malicious, just hurt and angry, so he wanted to hurt back.
Love leaves blood on the floor like nothing else. I don't know you, but I sense you have a huge heart. You may have met this man and gone through this relationship to learn a lesson so that when you meet the person who will understand you, you will know how to make it through. My marriage isn't perfect, but the one thing that has saved it time and time again is communication--we always talk it out, sometimes scream it out, but it gets done, even though the words can hurt and healing is long in coming. Have faith--you are a good person who had an overwhelming experience.
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