panic ensemble

I feel panicky for watching a window close to once again be with someone that I love with 100percent of my heart. Not a doubt in my mind.

... But I just didn't think it could work. I shockingly just didn't think it could work.

I wish it could be different but the relationship itself would probably just be wrong for us both. He deserves something mindblowing in a relationship and the universe surely has it's plans.

My mind and my mind heart contrived to send me in opposite directions. Hopefully it'll bring him and I both real, touchable, powerful happiness through and through.

100percent

sometimes love, even 100 percent certain love, is not enough. and if it isn't enough it still doesn't mean that love is any less than 100 percent real. it's more real than the earth, the sea, and the moon.

it just means the relationship itself may just not be right and that the love will have to exist on it's own but it's definitely there, definitely real and will probably be there for eternity.

if i know that love is there even if the relationship wouldn't work, i'll take the love and use it to fly while hoping that my love will do the same.

strangee

One of Eddie Murphy's old school 80's movies had a character named Strangee. I think it was coming to america or something of the sort. I'm hereby naming 2009 after Strangee. As this calender year comes to a close, I can't help but think of where I was at this time last year and how long this year has actually been for me. It's been at least 10 years within one, and at the same time I almost thought it would never come to an end. It seemed 2009 would go on forever.

Here we are about a day away from the beginning of the new calender year. I don't feel the same renewal as I do on Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashona, but it signifies something for me. It's some sort of culturally approved landmark that I can't help but notice as it passes by. With new years eve, I don't make resolutions as I do on Yom Kippur and it doesn't really feel like new years for me, until I look on my agenda or phone and see the date.

In Israel, it's become popular to celebrate sylvesters on new years eve as if to differentiate ourselves from the rest of the world but still celebrate and identify with Jan.1st. Lots of friends are holding big bashes and there's a holiday dinner for me to attend with my work colleagues if I'm able to finish work in time.

But the length of the year throws me for a loop. I can't believe it's over. I can't believe how different my life is now. I can't believe how I could never have predicted what happened over the past year. Somehow, I partially slumbered my way through the year buried in my attempts to reach professional goals which had clung to me like an anvil. I'm perched now on the other end of the year and I'm still breathing and love has revisited my life in surprising ways. I'm being productive and overworked, but I've felt genuine happiness again. I'm a little less perfectionist and a lot more open in my personal relationships and the dividends have wrapped me in enough warmth to supplant the warmest goose down duvet.

As I tip toe into the new calender year, it almost feels like I could redo 2009, but we can never get back time lost, so I hope that all my choices allow me to carpe diem into the next decade. I'm listening closely to the murmurs under my sternum and will allow my battered but almost healed heart to have more of a say again in the direction of my life.

one crumbling wall

The kotel is a place of solitude, reflection, and transcendence to me. When there, I feel our collective human spirituality and my personal brand of judaism weighting the air we breath. It's a place of truth for me. It's a place of ultimate revelation. I pray. To whom I'm not sure. But there is the only place where I feel like I have a direct line to someone. I'm sure this must sound strange coming from someone who doesn't self define as religious. It seems that for me religion isn't found within the four walls of a synogogue but in the four elements and the banality or beauty of our day to day existence. Religion for me is in our conduct and connection to matters larger than our own person.

I believe in human determinism intermeshed with fate and I feel like somehow my prayers amplify at the wall and maybe even somewhat affect the raw material that fate provides me with. I pray in apology. I pray for the health of my family and I pray for many other things that are too intimate for me to even share here lest it affect the way they are heard and judged. I also make deals. I make promises that I can't break.

I found myself at the wall twice this week and I might yet go again... I'm trying hard to use a divining rod to force myself to listen carefully to where my heart is directing me. I am analytical by nature and by training, but I have an unruly heart that says and does as it pleases and I don't want to let myself hurt anyone. I was at the wall this week, only once on my own, but the first time I was faced with a choice in front of g-d. Despite my heart I couldn't ever betray someones trust in me and I don't think I've betrayed anyone's trust. I feel on this it's clear.

My love is real and as true as love could ever get. I could say this at the wall and be utterly transparent. But a kiss... a kiss at the wall, when someone who cares for you waits in another city and trusts you to be honest with them, would be betrayal through any lense. I was sure that lightening would strike me down if I did it. At the very least I could not live with myself nor could I look him in the eyes.

I went away for months and was separated from someone I love, but my feelings never once wavered. I was committed 100 percent. When I'm with someone, whether it's a relationship or the beginning of a relationship or whatever, I can't be split but this is the first time in my life where I've felt such a strong pull to do so. Somewhere inside me is the answer and I need to listen closely to the beat of my heart for a little bit to suss out the morse code.

merry chrismakah

Who celebrates christmas in Israel? Actually, we have a huge christian arab population to join the traditional christmas time pilgrams. A jewish friend of mine is obsessed with christmas and santa and the tree and the presents and has been facebook status updating about her love for it, over the past two weeks at least. I want to delete her just to get rid of her status updates. She's going to bethlehem today and is trying to convince her israeli parents to buy her christmas gifts to put under her tree. Part of her christmas tactic was to convince me that my good friendship obliged me to accompany her on a christmas pilgrammage for jews. Hello, jews for jesus? Sorry sweetie, it's really not my thing. Nevertheless, I extend merry holiday wishes across the board to everyone!

strangest situation

I longed for something forever it seems. There was one person who it felt like I had some inexplicable metaphysical connection to and despite distance I continued to feel his pain, and happiness, and even his presence. It didn't matter if there were oceans between us, I could still feel him. If he was near me and I didn't see him with my eyes, I felt him with my soul. I could sense when he would phone and I would feel sick when he would feel sick as if we were in some sort of ET redux. But what did it mean if the relationship itself wasn't enough? would it change if we had committed to change? or had too much water gone under the bridge?

I don't think it devalues the love which was so huge it threatened to engulf me. Nor do I think that this particular love, so unique and so intense, will ever truly disappear. But, when faced with that love coming back into my life, somehow life contrived to take me somewhere else for a while. Maybe it'll mean that as the water flows, our streams will converge at a point with sweeter waters, or maybe it'll mean that what once was is assuredly no longer. I guess time keeps secrets.

the wicked warlock of harvard

He makes me want to walk into a window. I'm dealing with a doctor who was trained in internal medicine at Harvard and works in preparing medical research with me and his personality would make docile and aggresive cats alike want to run and hide in an available garbage pail. People tend to respond by just refusing to deal with him, quitting, and or generally passing the buck. I'm going completely nuts, working day and night and am feeling like leaving January 1st at the end of this phase of the project, I'll keep the other project I'm managing and exchange my higher paid research and clinical management hours for the lower paid but far more gratifying clinical hours.

I want Harvard clinical training too, but not if it's going to turn me into an evil warlock clone.