confusious's confusion

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without...I tend to fall for scratched up diamonds.

Today I have the day off clinical work and no compelling ADR or conflict resolution lectures to attend, so I'm able to work from my laptop preparing for a pilot oncology project that I'm heading up. Of course, when my schedule on a sunday becomes unstructured, web surfing to all the medical journal sites beckons as does mid sentence contemplation.

I was just thinking about my recent befuddlement. I've started to become close with someone and it's wrenching because if I let myself truly connect with him then it's like confirmation that my heart has turned towards someone else. I can't really let myself go towards him fully because something holds me back. I'm not hurting anymore, but I cherish some moments and I'm afraid that those moments will disappear from my soul. I'm afraid the imaginary ties that connect me to whatever was in my last relationship will forever be severed. In reality they were long ago cut, but in my heart they are tucked away and protected.

when we live, most of us crave to live a life witnessed by friends and family. Why? Because it validates us to know that someone has witnessed our existence. I'm not a be'er, but a do'er and still I feel like I appreciate what I do and where I go more when I can share it with someone who's important to me. It enriches my experience when someone I care about shares and it feels a little bit empty if I experience or live life on my own. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend but a friend or sibling or so on and so forth, so long as that person matters to me.

It was only recently that I thought I could never share my heart with anyone ever again and maybe this is partially true. I'm with him, but not really with him. I find him talented, pensive, fascinating, and a bit messed up, all things that I can appreciate. But, I'm afraid to really feel those relationship box emotions again. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be numb out of choice, or fear, or inability to expose my being.

Maybe he's perfect, for someone else...or maybe it's good for me to let it flow and see what happens.