the daily post...

As part of the agreement for sponsoring our flights to Haiti, I'm going to be responsible for some daily reporting of the situation on the ground and our work there. It needs to be readable by my work colleagues, so I'll probably set up another blog and will post a link here so anyone who reads my meandering thoughts and periodic fits of lovelorn anxiety can follow me in professional mode on the Haiti blog. Watch this space for a brand spanking new link :-)

i gotta feeling...

so everythings in place to leave for Haiti with one exception. We're waiting to receive Visa's for our colleagues in the phillipines who are joining us at a meeting point in the U.S. before we journey together to the dominican republic and then to Haiti. I'm supposed to leave on thursday.

finding the stress balls

Years ago I picked up a gift for my brothers in China. It was two beautiful little red boxes, embossed with traditional chinese designs, containing two perfectly round silver balls each. When you placed the balls in your hands you could turn them over and over with your palm and feel a light tinkling inside. The motion if handling the balls, the feeling of smooth, cold, metal, and the light vibration from the tinkling sound was supposed to bring relaxation and stress relief. Since my brothers were wrapped in asian martial arts culture at the time, I thought it might be an apt present. It was a little superfluous for them, to some extent, because the martial arts was the larger stress relief. But they did actually enjoy playing with them for a long while after I brought them as a gift.

I'm stressing today as the rain comes down and there's much on my mind.

Later tonight, I'm headed to a "Call for Action" roundtable on improving health for Arab women in Israel which will take place in Jaffa. I spread the word to many of my friends who will be attending sessions as well. I hope they have a good turn out for the larger conference because the planned agenda looks fascinating and is a perfect opportunity for civic mobilization in the furtherment of coexistance.

friends of ours?

The Israeli ZAKA (emergency rescue and first aid team) that handles recovery of remains, flew directly to HAITI after a mission in Mexico and has been working almost non-stop since arrival. their only break was taken last shabbat when they paused to break bread and drink wine with colleagues from egypt and qatar... Disaster breeds anarchy, chaos, and... cross cultural closeness?

esthers lesson

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?....."

so basically we owe it to ourselves and the world to do something and not sit idly by when things disintegrate around us. Even more so when we have a "royal position" ie. a skill set or a comfortable state in life that allows us to reach a little bit further.

Blinded by the light

No one is ignoring Haiti. It seems to me that the entire worlds attention is now wrapped around this tiny nation, whose government has retreated into non-existance. Money is flowing in from everywhere but no one is quite sure how to administer it. The Americans are busy trying to ensure security in a historically highly volatile nation. As usual the security and logistics efforts threaten to consume the humanitarian efforts.

Since Israel is experienced in disaster management and we believe in the concept of "Tikkun Olam", which is something like healing the world, we're able to set up quickly and fill the health gaps left when the entire world has no choice but to focus on security. To some extent, our constant preoccupation with preserving our existance, has enabled us to walk a fully functional balance beam of administrating health care and managing human welfare in a secure environs while threatened.

One one matter truly irks me and that is the matter of everyone's neighbour and his sister wanting to help Haiti while ignoring all the other regions that need help. Sudan has fallen off the media radar. No one pays attention to the Congo anymore. Rwanda has lost it's luster. Shall I go on? It's a huge world with many problems...why must everyone choose to focus on the same one? Help Haiti but don't forget the other 7 billion living on the planet.

pride without prejudice

I'm so proud of Israel and now I'm just as proud of my place of work. Sometimes it makes worklife easier when your personal motto matches with the mission statement at your workplace. I've just been notified that we have approval to organize a six person medical delegation to send to volunteer in Haiti for two weeks. Plane tickets will be purchased and salaries paid for the duration of the outreach trip. In addition, the team will be bringing over needed supplies to help stock the already established field hospitals.

i-efshar

In the fall I decided to commit myself to doing another graduate degree full time while working full time. It's now the final week of the semester and I'm a few hours off the deadline for submitting two lengthy take home exams. I havent slept yet but since last night something has been creeping into my lungs and my throat is becoming sore.

It's impossible that I could be once again getting sick. the last time it took forever for my lungs to clear up and I run terrified from the possibility of doing a course of inhaled corticosteroids to deal with a respiratory virus. Maybe I'm having an allergic reaction to the smoke creeping under my door from my neighbours apartment. Maybe I'll finish the exam, stand in a hot moist shower and wish for the best.

wiiiiiilma....

When I was a little kid, I'd often watch the flintstones and would marvel at how Fred would constantly get so strung out and wound up. It seemed to me that he was always yelling at fiery haired Wilma. Eventually the contrived conflicts and blasted bickering begun to bore me. It felt like a waste of time.

Now I live in a genuine conflict culture. My entire home region is populated by a people who live in constant conflict, with their neighbours, their work colleagues, their friends, and their families. Everyday I listen to stories of road rage, workplace rage, spousal rage, and so on and so forth.

A friend of mine once told me that if I ever felt frustrated or angered by the bad habits of someone close, I should think about how it might just be the flip side of their best habits as well. In which case, the thought would be able to help me better understand the situation and allow me to overlook detritus that would surely bother me. I try this all the time.

My personal approach to life is normally conflict adverse. I lean towards solving problems by removing my initial emotive response and focusing on the rational. But, this is not the best way to be when living in a society where conflict is desired, craved and valued as a method of problem resolution.

My compromise over the years has been to become more aware of my own needs and not be as willing to subterfuge myself in the name of conflict avoidance. I don't think this means I have to throw tantrums or bellow at the top of my lungs while pounding my fists into my chest and pointing my finger into someones face space.

But, at the same time, I don't want to always be fighting when my energy can produce so much more when I can direct it towards building and not destroying. It's interested to me since Israel has been so successful in many arenas, but, I think it has more to do with confidence, true skill, and professional absolutism than in conflict generation.

more than a dog...

Rest in peace my sweet little pebbies. you were the best dog that ever existed. Your unlimited affection, bright eyed intelligence, and mischievousness made you such an integral part of the family that your absence will be felt acutely. I'll always remember how excited you got when you saw me getting ready for one of our epic walks together, and how your tiny tail wagged furiously whenever you heard one of our family's voices. You loved scampering around outdoors and circling the pool whenever we went swimming and you used to greet us at each point in the pool rim where we stopped. You guarded us against the chipmunks and raccoons and even though you were only 4 pounds of dog, you projected yourself as 100 pounds of teacup poodle ferocity. Your fur was the softest I've ever cuddled and your hugs the warmest. No one will ever take your place my little sweet pea.

consider yourself showered....

Yesterday, we held a bridal shower for one of my closest and dearest friends. It was so funny hearing her describe the ecstatic smile on her fiancee's face when he proposed to her and how she hopes to find that smile across his lips again as they build their lives together. It's a good and healthy relationship, and she totally and completely deserves it. Her relationship is not an old one. It began less than a year ago, but it felt right to her and to him and the pace was fast and furious as it moved towards total commitment to each other. Part of her is anxious because the pace has been so quick, but I think her intuition has always been spot on and hope that she can trust it.

The shower began at 8pm and went until 4am and we made so much food and desserts that there was no way it could all have been finished, nevertheless, the girls and myself made a valient effort to prevent anything from going to waste. There was a ton of salads, homemade veggie sushi, focaccia pizza's, dips, spiced fritatta, cheesecake, two types of fruit crumble, chocolate cake, Knafe from Jaffa, nuts, chocolates, and a million other offerings for 13 women who enjoy food.

As the group nibbled into the night the conversation veered from the irreligious and antifeminist aspects of jerusalem holy sites, to advice given to the soon to be bride by each of our friends along with advice from the soon to be bride given to the lovelorn in our group of friends. We talked about her fiancee's most disgusting habit, which apparantly is his unwillingness to cut his toenails by himself. I've heard worse. She was gifted with about 7 differant types of see through lingerie, including a cooking apron which may well see more use in the bedroom than in the kitchen.

ICC or FLKLKJLKJW

I'm in the process of writing an advocacy paper for a hypothetical situation where an new anti terrorism NGO in Israel has decided to up the ante, play some legal tennis and lob a lawsuit into the ICC against Mahmoud Abbas for funding terrorism activities through the PLO. To do this, I'm playing around with light terms like command responsibility, reviewing all terrorist actions since 2002, and then matching everything up with the Rome Statute and the body of material in the Geneva Convention. I'd much rather be baking in advance of my closest friends shower on tuesday.....oh distraction how do I love thee, let me count the ways!

collecting and reframing

I feel the need to reframe my thoughts and shift my perspectives. This happens to me periodically when my weltershang, my worldview, gets shaken up. I like to be challenged to rethink, although sometimes it's embarrassing and painful as new realizations and variable awarenesses flower.

wanted...

what do I want in a relationship? of course the usual;love, validation, respect, communication, and so forth. But realistically how much of this do I need? I realized that I need the affection that when wrapped around me, extends to the rest of my life and allows me to flourish with my life commitments. I need the kisses and the warm caresses as nourishment. I also need to be myself. This is key for me because I feel like I'm quite verbose in the expression of my personality.

I need to be able to dance at will, or sing along to the car radio or in a stairwell or taste the chocolate that's melted on another tongue first. If I try to hold back when the music moves me or hold in the tickling of my vocal cords it makes me feel stunted.

training in motion

so it's 2010. I'm not at all ready to hop into the pool and start training again, as my shoulder is sharply painful which probably isn't helped by the fact that I regularly carry a shoulder bag which weighs about the same as I do. I stuff it with everything I own just to be prepared for any and all emergencies.

But, over the next few days, in the sphere of my sport, I'm going to transition over to focusing on being lighter so that when I do return to a slightly more intense and slightly more voluminous training schedule that the restriction doesn't interfere heavily with the intensity that I'm able to hold while training.

A friend of mine, also in medicine, went to a weight loss specialist who placed him on a program based on a breath metabolic analysis and he's managed to lose close to 30k over the past few months. It cost him several thousand shekels and I'm supposed to be learning how to save, not spend, so I'll resort to that only if I'm desperate for a kick start.

The blunt...J. Blunt.

I have seen peace, I have seen pain, resting on the shoulders of your name...
Do you see the truth.. through all the lies?
do you see the world through troubled eyes?

should I feel a fright?...is my fire of hesitation burning bright?

...you and I have lived through many things...I wouldn't cry for just anything......

would I leave?

I might consider leaving next year, I think. If I got into my choice training program at Harvard through Brigham Womens or Mass Gen in Boston, I might just consider going and then coming back. I wonder if I could do it. I would miss Israel madly. Maybe this is a pie in the sky dream, but my scores are step one. done. An actual application would be step two and then the process begins...I'm tenacious but the competition would be steep. However, having training in Boston would enhance my ability to contribute here by far. At some point, I'll get there but is the timing now? maybe not.

pure insanity

what do you do with a love that makes no sense, that drives you crazy with it's irrationality and power to remain despite everything? What kind of insane emotion can make me feel like a sentimental, tempermental, maniac, having to hold myself back lest I fall down down down the slippery slope into a river fed by waters i've never known? what is this messed up intensity that I have so little power over?