musical chairs

earlier this week, I stumbled across a new furniture shop that took the place of a well known art gallery in the center of tel aviv. I stepped inside, intrigued by the clean lines and interesting textures teasing me through the window. I was immediately taken in as the creative director, founder, and chief architect began to chat with me about the philosophy behind his furniture. tonight, looking for a quick work diversion that doesn't involve ice cream or playtime with don juan, I started flipping through the catalogues just now and it reminded me of how I completely adored the philosophy and had such an instant connection with the chief architect because of it.

The collection is based on music. It involves a visual language for the furniture which integrates voids and shadows that reflect the creativity of sound. it was simple,elegant, inexpensive, and perfect for the apartment of my dreams. He's also a jazz musician and the situation was comical because I was staring at the wall behind him while he spoke, having been entranced by a piece of art on the while that spoke to me. It looked familiar, like an old friend. It turns out that it was. He had taken a bach fugue and translated the sound waves into 7 prints. He had me at hello....

glass menagerie

So random guy decides to sidle up next to me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear, only they weren't sweet nothings, they were the alcoholic rumblings of a bar rat set loose in the cafe lined streets of tel aviv. He asks me why I'm not in a relationship. I wanted to tell him, "well, it's because I'm secretly an out of control meth addict and in fact this ice watermelon drink is really a crack infusion tinted pink". why do people more often than not fail to understand that I don't want to be in a relationship. Relationships to me are like snakes to Indiana Jones. Sex without consequence, pleasure without commitment, and the woman as the artisan of control is how it should be for me. Potential boyfriends be forewarned, I'll never be so silly that I would choose that path again. I'm done with love unless it's for a dog, fish, or parakeet.

morning breaks

It's 4am. and I'm supposed to get up within the next hour, but I just kicked Don Juan out and sent him back to his own humble abode. He came over to say goodbye because he's leaving for 3 weeks in vietnam over Rosh Hashona and Yom Kippur. I still can't separate my mind and enjoy the moment with any particular guy. Even worse,I also still hate myself for missing terribly he who shall remain unnamed, the voldemort of relationships, especially since all my logic and reason tells me we should never cross paths ever again.

Plethora of Iftars...

and the saga continues.. how much to avoid? tonight, an iftar dinner takes place in Jaffa which many of my friends will be going to. I can't go in case I crash into someone who I should never ever again be in the same vicinity as. It's more his stomping grounds then mine, so on this one I have to immediately concede and miss out. I've really wanted to join in since I heard about it last year, although last year when we were together he wanted to go on his own lest people not approach him with the same openness because he would have been two instead of one. He had a theory that he would always have a better experience on his own since individuals attract more friendliness than couples. I'm not a subscriber. I've met amazing, warm, friendly people when I've travelled on my own, in two's or with a motley crew. So last year I missed out too. It's as if the whole experience was a rat poison that took affect during the relationship and had toxic side effects remaining long after. I guess I just really wanted to go and was hurt that I couldn't be included.

Friday brings an Iftar put on by one of the local peace out organizations. I don't think it's a registered amuta in israel, but the forum it uses seems to have reached a spectrum. Friday is also September 11th and Shabbat. It's an interesting choice for a peace event/ Iftar Dinner. I imagine that many who celebrate shabbat will be home with their families and not in Beit Jalla at the Dinner. I'd really like to go out of fascination with the conversation that I might find there and out of interest in the people that I might meet. I'd really like to but don't think I should go. Beit Jalla is not Jaffa, and I'm just as entitled to join in, but why take chances? I hate living like a hobbit.

fairytale hero

Sometimes I do long to be swept up in the arms of a hero, my personal hero, but that would be so 1950's. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. I have a vision of a fairytale but it's too antiquated to own up to.

healing

I don't subscribe to many unfounded, unproven, or esoteric self help theories, but here in Israel we claim as our own the father of harvard's modern positive psychology stream. Harvard's lead lecturer on positive psychology recently assumed a position at Israel's IDC in Herziliya and is beginning to spread his message in our neighbourhood.

one of the central tenets of this stream is that we ought to let ourselves hurt and feel pain until it passes, that there's no sense in trying to be strong to prevent the pain from reaching into your core because if pain didn't pass then humanity itself would be doomed. Being able to feel pain means that we've opened the passageway to feeling happiness on the flip side. we have the ability to pass through the most painful experiences and the deepest traumas, so we can allow ourselves to take the time to let it pass and to return to our selves again. Sometimes this means letting the tears flow unabated and it's in honour of our humanity not in spite of it.

three decades

For better or for worse I've managed skip along a social existence for pretty much three decades, without a single date. I feel a midge proud of this. My avoidance skills are top notch. Each relationship I've had has happened by accident, date free. Most have been long term and emotionally complex. I want to create an ink stamp that I can put on the back of my hand in day glo yellow that says ...100 percent date free. dates are like asbestos, except they should be avoided at risk of damaging disposition.

Dates imply that something is sought. They imply that I'm looking for a random shared moment to turn into seven babies and a bugaboo running stroller. I will never be seduced into partaking. It's a far cry from the 40 year old virgin, but who says fun has to involve dates or relationships? This sentiment is hard to convey in Israel where everyone tends to assume that everyone else belongs in a relationship, in which case my presence goes against the communal grain. The women here are beautiful and most get snapped up and married away young. It almost happened to me too when I was young, not so beautiful but young and bright eyed. I hadn't yet learned how to say no and ended up engaged with a full pomp and circumstance wedding from hell planned and all. I narrowly escaped from what would have been a stifling marriage to someone who I never loved.

Mind you, if I had married him then I wouldn't have met and loved the person who would then go on to break my heart into a million shiny fragments. Which is the worse of two evils? At least I've known what it feels like to truly, deeply, and sincerely love someone. It was the first time I'd ever felt that type of love, the most injurious to have when it's not at all reciprocated. If love like that can break someone apart then maybe it's best to just forgo it to begin with, and then save on the life rehab time. Sex is known to be great without any ties or emotional commitment. I can kick a man out of my bed at 3am, sending him packing so that we don't wake up next to each other. I can be the man in the equation.