my fair lady redux

how do we learn to be fair to a memory? how to we learn to balance the urge to exaggerate it and turn it into a farce of itself? what if we've exaggerated it to compensate for the scorching heartache that never really goes away entirely? does it make the exaggeration fair?

what if you've never expressed the other side and you've never chosen to look on the downside and the searing sting causes you to want to obliterate the good memory by picking out the bad? are we then justified in doing just that?

does justification matter at all if someone gets hurt because of it? it really doesn't. the whole discussion becomes moot.

I'm an odd duck somewhat. I'm not very translucent. I'd easily get rejected as one of the translucent virgins of paradise. I'm all too much human but I'm not fake. I actually know who I am and I have a complicated relationship with myself but underscoring my life choices are the set of values and ethics that I inculcated. I try to live following a moral compass that isn't so much based on the mannerisms of religion but on what underlies it in the body of ethics. My worldview, or my weltershang is fluid and formative and I'm always searching for new prisms to look through.

Despite all this, i completely lack any template for working through matters of the heart. none of the above served me well. I had a mirror held up for me and I realized that I hated how I was acting but I don't know how i could have prevented myself from falling into something archaically mosaic. i don't believe in an eye for an eye and you can't really measure out an equally weighted eye. nothings ever truly equivalent. you shouldn't be made to feel what I feel because I'm aware of it. my awareness makes it unequal because who's to say that you ever knew? or if you knew you did it because of your own hurt and then nothing could ever be equal, communicated, or understood and the hurt becomes cyclic. "you" could be anyone, but was someone very real and very special to me.

I lost something and I will likely never find it again. Love was a component but it's not about love. I didn't lose that because it's mine to give away freely. I lost something else that could never be priced. It was something that I prayed for after I prayed for the health of my family. I prayed for it and then I found it. I found that something intangible that I couldn't let go of. When I lost it, nothing in my world seemed the same.

But, I have nobody else to blame and I suppose that life does move on. Some people never experience the gift or the loss. The least that I can do in thanks for having been given this, is to remember in truth and look to a fairness in my memory which has the ability to keep some of that gift alive as if it had never been lost.